ut us； most of us can’t believe he means us。 It’s like the cynical editor who tells the cub reporter；“If your mother says she loves you； check it out。”
I have been a reporter for 12 years。 One of the first things I learned in researching a story was “garbage in； garbage out。” If your raw data is flawed； you end up with a faulty conclusion。 The same is true with how we see ourselves。 If we lack self…confidence； maybe we’re working with flawed data。
The reality is； in hundreds of subtle ways； our culture； family； friends—even our thought life—conspire to undermine our confidence。 We grow up in families void of affirmation； encouragement； and respect—the building blocks to self…confidence。 Then we find ourselves smack dab in the middle of a world that lionizes Size Two Hollywood starlets and Barbie…doll figures。 Our paycheck； our title； or some other artificial yardstick gives us temporary entree into the world of The Accepted。 But in our hearts； we know it isn’t real。 How do we find our way to the truth？
I’m technophobia。 My brother got all the genes required to understand operating manuals； to repair things； or to make sense of puters。 When I first had to learn how to use a puter for my job； I was convinced it was the end of life as I knew it。
I remember with painful clarity a beginner’s puter class where the instructor told us to “press any key”。 I searched in vain for the “any” key。 By the end of the class； I was certain I wasn’t smart enough to drive myself home； much less dress for work the next day。 This was despite the fact that I managed a home； a family； a job； and a professional staff。
Why was it so humiliating？ Because I pared myself to the l0…year…old girl next door who effortlessly surfed the Net to research her term papers while I struggled just to log on。 Instead of simply concluding that technical prowess is not one of my strengths； I concluded I must be stupid。 It was a lie。
People respect us as much as we respect ourselves。 That’s why the absence of self…confidence can telegraph to others not to believe in us。
For years I struggled to receive a pliment graciously。 If someone plimented my hair； I’d discount it。 I’d say my hairstyle made my face look fat or that my hair was a mousy color。 What I really meant was； there must be some mistake。 I’m not worth your regard。 I don’t like myself and can’t really believe you do； either。 The trouble is； if we persist in putting ourselves down； eventually people start to believe we’re right。 txt小说上传分享
喜欢自己多一些（3）
Sometimes the problem isn’t faulty data。 We have an accurate picture of ourselves or a situation； but we capitulate the first time someone challenges us。
Several years ago； I discovered a grape…sized lump on my left breast。 My doctor scheduled outpatient surgery right away。 A month later； when I resumed periodic self…examination； I felt the same lump in the same hard…to…reach place。 I was certain of it！ When I called the doctor to suggest he might have missed the lump in question； he insisted I was wrong。 It could not possibly be a lump； he said； because he had removed it。 After all； he was the doctor。
I got off the phone； doubting what I’d felt with my own hand。 But fear of lethal consequences gave me the courage to insist he re…examine me； at which point he reluctantly acknowledged that； yes； it did seem to be the original lump。 He removed it in a second surgery。
In my case； I had to confess that I was stupid because I didn’t understand technical things。 Yet； even after acknowledging that I’m actually a pretty intelligent person； I still had to grieve the fact that no amount of classes or training would ever pletely solve my technical ineptitude！
Another lie I believed about myself was that I’d been selfish for having only one child。 The truth is； I nearly died giving birth to my daughter； and my husband didn’t want to adopt。 Still； I spent years feeling like an inferior mother—like I should have trusted God to protect me in subsequent childbirths。
I now believe that—in my case—one child was God’s will for me。 I’ve rejected the condemnation。 Nevertheless； I had to grieve that I’d never have the houseful of children I’d always wanted。
说出你的想法
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你是否曾逃避过某种局面，并希望用不同的方式来处理呢？有时候，你是否觉得自己的权利被忽视？你能否回想起发脾气，以及没人理解你的意见的时候？如果，你对其中任何一个问题回答“是的”的话，你可能在坚定自信的表达方面受到了挑战。坚定自信的表达是能够以双方相互尊重的方式，清晰地说出你的看法和感受。它不会侵犯别人的权利，也不会因结果而愧疚。坚定自信的表达以天赋人权为前提，不是建立在地位或成就上。你有权利表达自己的观点，有权利承担自己的责任，并拒绝承担他人的责任。能否进行“有价值”的交流，关键在于你如何支配自己的这些权利。
当沟通的双方——说者和听者都受到尊重时，交流才有价值。主要的沟通方式有三种：消极被动的接受、坚定自信的交流、强迫他人接受。三者的差异性在于交流双方和信息质量不同。消极接受使你的表达和被认可的能力降低，强迫他人接受，是为了导致某种结果，而施加了其他的力量，不是建立在互相尊重的基础上。只有坚定自信的交流才使双方都受到尊重，才能进行有价值的交流。
一个人需要有一定程度的自信、自我肯定和自知之明，才能进行坚定自信的交流。自信，是要从内心凸现，而不是伪装出来的。它发自内心，不依赖于任何人。自我肯定，即相信自己的价值，相信自己是生活中美好事物的承载者。自知之明，源于自我控制，它能通过自身评定获知自己的优缺点。对于一个自信并自知的人，坚定自信的表达是一个很自然的过程。从本质上说，在你向他人证明自己之前，必须有自信。
Self…assertion
Anonymous
Have you ever walked away from a situation and wished you handled it differently？ At times； do you feel that others overlook your rights？ Can you recall losing your temper and not getting your point across effectively？ If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions； you may feel challenged in the area of assertiveness。 Assertiveness is the ability to clearly represent your thoughts and feelings in a mutually respectful way。 It does not infringe on the rights of others or rely on guilt for results。 Assertiveness starts with the premise that each human being is given rights that do not depend on status or performance。 You have the right to express your perspective。 You have the right to assume personal responsibility and to decline responsibility for others。 How you govern yourself in relation to these rights is important for “valued” munication。
munication is valued when both parties； the sender and the receiver； are respected。 There are three primary styles of munication： passive； assertive； and aggressive。 The difference between passive； assertive； and aggressive munication rests with the exchange between parties and quality of the message。 Passiveness diminishes your capacity to be heard and validated。 Aggressiveness exerts differential power to promote a certain end result that is not based on mutual respect。 Only assertiveness respectfully engages both parties for valued munication。
In order to achieve assertive munication； one needs a level of self…confidence； self…worth； and self…awareness。 Self…confidence is projected； not performed。 It has to radiate from within and does not rely on others。 Self…worth es from believing that you are a worthwhile individual who deserves the best that life has to offer。 Self…awareness develops from personal monitoring。 One learns of strengths and weaknesses by making internal assessments。 Self…assertion is a natural process for individuals who are confident and aware。 In essence； you must have confidence within before you can demonstrate it in the midst of others。
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自我发现和自我强大的16步
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1。我们确有掌控自己生活的能力，不再依赖物质和他人来维护自己的自尊和安全。
2。我们相信，当我们准备就绪，乐意且有能力敞开心扉，接受恢复过程时，一个全新的自我会赋予我们此刻所需的智慧。
3。我们下定决心展现真我，完全相信真理的力量。
4。我们要在这个辈分分明的文化背景中，不断地审视自己的信念、癖好以及依赖性的行为。
5。我们要将羞愧和内疚的事与他人和全新的自我共同分享。
6。我们要对自己的优点、天赋和创造力予以肯定和赞赏，不要为了不伤及他人的颜面而掩藏这些优点。
7。让愧疚、自责顺其自然地发生吧，用实际行动大胆地去爱自己和他人。
8。列一张清单，写下我们伤害过和伤害过我们的人，并通过道歉和诉苦来减轻苦痛或清除负面影响，当然，我们要用礼貌的方式。
9。向别人表达爱意和感激的同时，要不断地赞赏生命的惊奇和我们所拥有的幸福。
10。继续相信现实，对我们每天看到的一切、感知到的一切给予肯定。
11。要及时承认过错，并在恰当时机予以修正，但不要为我们未做过的事道歉，不掩盖和分析他人的缺点，更不对其负责。
12。找寻能对我们的智力、观察力和自我价值予以肯定的环境、工作和人群，远离那些无益环境和有害人群。
13，采取措施恢复体能，使生活井然有序。减少压力，使生活充满欢乐。
14。寻找心灵的共鸣，培养毅力和启迪智慧以回应内心的召唤。
15。正视生活中的坎坷，把它当做成长中的教训。
16。我们逐渐意识到，我们与万物有着千丝万缕的联系。因而，我们应为人类的和平和生态的平衡作出应有的贡献。
16 Steps to Self…discovery and Self…empowerment
Anonymous
1。 We affirm that we have the power to take charge of our own lives and to stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self…esteem or our security。
2。 We e to believe that our emerging self will reveal to us the healing wisdom that lives within us all when we are ready； willing and able to open ourselves up to the healing process。
3。 We make a decision to bee our authentic1 selves and trust in the healing power of the truth。
4。 We examine our beliefs； our addictions； and our dependent behaviour in the context of living in a hierarchical2； patriarchal3 culture。
5。 We share with another person and our emerging self all those things inside of us for which we feel shame and guilt。
6。 We affirm and enjoy our strengths； our talents； and our creativity； striving not to hide these qualities to protect others’ egos4。
7。 We bee willing to let go of our shame； our guilt； and any behaviour that keeps us from loving ourselves and others。
8。 We make a list of people we have harmed and people who have harmed us； and take steps to clear out negative energy by making amends and sharing our grievances； both in a respectful way。
9。 We express love and gratitude to others，and increas