gossip girl 12 终结- 第4部分

Nate　leaned　back　against　the　rough…hewn　beams。　There　were　some　memories；　though；　that　he　replayed　almost　every　night。　In　the　moments　before　the　subtle　rocking　of　the　ocean　lulled　him　to　sleep；　he　pictured　Blair；　and　Serena　van　der　Woodsen；　his　other　best　friend　and　the　girl　he’d　lost　his　virginity　to。　Blair　cheesily　posing　in　front　of　the　polar…bear　exhibit　at　the　zoo；　Serena　with　her　blond　head　tipped　back；　laughing　hysterically　at　a　joke　only　she　found　funny；　Blair　in　front　of　Tiffany；　her　favorite　place　on　earth；　doing　her　best　Audrey　Hepburn　impression。　Serena　splashing　around　in　the　Venus　fountain　in　his　backyard；　looking　like　the　goddess　she　was。　He　wondered　if　they　ever　thought　about　him。

If　not；　there　are　plenty　of　girls　who　do。

He　knew　they　probably　weren’t　pining　for　him。　In　fact；　they　probably　hated　him。　He　loved　them　both；　and　of　course　he’d　never　been　able　to　choose　between　them。　This　past　summer；　he’d　even　cheated　on　Blair　with　Serena。　Finally；　when　he　couldn’t　decide　whether　to　go　to　Yale　with　Blair　or　stay　in　the　city　with　Serena；　he’d　chosen　to　travel　the　world　with　Chips。　He’d　been　so　confused。　So　conflicted。　So　afraid　to　make　a　choice；　in　case　he　chose　wrong。　But　now；　he　felt　different。

He　even　looked　different。　Months　of　sailing　had　tanned　his　skin　a　dark　bronze　color；　and　his　golden　brown　hair　was　now　almost　platinum…blond　in　places。　His　face　was　angular　and　hardened　and　a　blondish…brown　beard　covered　his　chin。　The　scruff　made　his　green　eyes　stand　out　that　much　more。　He　hadn’t　smoked　any　pot　since　they’d　left；　not　by　choice；　but　still；　it　felt　good。　His　head　felt　lighter；　clearer　somehow。

Nate　climbed　down　the　crow’s　nest　onto　the　polished　wood　deck。　It　was　just　after　sunrise　and　the　sky　was　suffused　with　a　pinkish　tint。　“Hello？”　he　called　out。　“Chips？”

“Nathaniel！”　Chips　called　from　the　boat’s　stern。　He　was　coiling　a　mass　of　rope；　a　frown　etched　on　his　weather…beaten　face。　With　his　white　linen　trousers；　navy　windbreaker；　and　shock　of　white　hair；　Chips　looked　like　a　tall　stocky　sea　captain　on　the　menu　of　a　lobster　restaurant。　But　beneath　his　stern　veneer；　he　was　actually　a　pretty　cool　guy；　especially　after　he’d　had　his　evening　tumbler　of　scotch。

“Take　a　look。”　Chips　passed　the　binoculars　over　to　Nate。　He　could　just　make　out　land；　fuzzy　in　the　distance。　“By　New　Year’s　Eve；　we’ll　be　at　the　Breakers；”　Chips　declared；　almost　to　himself。

“I’m　sorry？”　Nate　asked。　Wasn’t　the　Breakers　a　resort　in　Palm　Beach？　He　was　ready　to　stop　somewhere；　make　a　couple　calls　back　home；　sure。　He’d　thrown　his　phone　overboard　when　he’d　made　the　decision　to　sail　with　Chips　back　in　August；　so　he’d　only　been　able　to　call　home　occasionally；　when　they　stopped　at　various　islands。　He　hadn’t　even　been　able　to　wish　his　parents　a　Merry　Christmas。　Still；　he’d　been　hoping　their　next　stop　would　be　somewhere　a　little　more　adventurous；　like　Costa　Rica。　He’d　always　wanted　to　go　there。

Join　the　club。

“So　we’re　stopping　in　Palm　Beach？　And　where　to　after　that？”　Nate　asked。　Ever　since　they’d　left；　he’d　trusted　Chips　to　guide　them。　But　he　was　kind　of　wondering　what　Chips’s　grand　plan　was。

Instead　of　answering　his　question；　Chips　pulled　himself　back　up　into　a　standing　position。　He　dusted　off　the　thighs　of　his　white　linen　pants。　“When　I　was　your　age；　I　was　in　the　navy。　Didn’t　have　the　luxury　to　think　about　how　I　wanted　to　live　my　life；　just　had　to　make　sure　I　got　the　chance　to　live　it　another　day。　You　know　what　I’m　saying；　son？”　he　asked　gruffly。　His　burry　Scottish　accent　reminded　Nate　of　Mel　Gibson　as　William　Wallace　in　the　movie　Braveheart；　rallying　the　clansmen　before　launching　into　an　epic　battle。

“Right。”　Nate　nodded；　even　though　he　wasn’t　really　sure　what　Chips　was　talking　about。　“So　after　Palm　Beach…”

“After　Palm　Beach；　nothing。　It’s　back　to　New　York　for　you；　sonny。　It’s　time。　I’ve　shown　you　the　world。　Now　you’ve　got　to　live　in　it。”

Nate　felt　rooted　to　the　deck　of　the　ship。　He’d　known　he’d　have　to　go　back　eventually；　but　this　felt　very　sudden。

Just　like　how　two　girls　might　have　felt　when　a　certain　boy　decided　to　sail　off　into　the　sunset—alone？

Nate　slid　down　on　the　yellow…wood…lacquered　floorboards　of　the　boat；　trying　to　wrap　his　mind　around　everything。　He　was　going　back　to　New　York。　Back　to　his　old　life。　Back　to　Blair　and　Serena　and　his　father　nagging　about　what　a　disappointment　he　was。　This　was　Chips’s　grand　plan？

“Stand　up；”　Chips　ordered。　He　put　down　the　binoculars　and　began　winding　a　mass　of　rope　around　his　arm。

Nate　hastily　got　to　his　feet。　“You　need　help　with　that？”　he　asked；　noticing　Chips　struggle　as　he　tried　to　reduce　one　of　the　sails。

“No；　I’m　fine；”　his　captain　responded　curtly。　Nate　nodded；　even　though　he’d　noticed　that　Chips　had　been　dragging　his　bad　leg　more　than　ever。　“Listen；　Nathaniel；”　Chips　said；　more　gently　than　before。　“These　last　few　months　have　been　some　of　the　best　of　my　life…　but　I’m　getting　old。　It’s　Palm　Beach　season　for　me。　A　man　needs　more　than　the　sea　and　the　sky　to　survive。”　He　tied　the　rope　into　a　perfect　knot；　as　if　to　punctuate　his　speech。　“But　for　you…　you　can’t　spend　the　rest　of　your　life　sailing　away　from　everything　difficult。　It’s　for　your　own　good。”

Nate　grimaced。　Even　though　Chips　was　a　philosophical；　scotch…drinking　old　geezer；　he　always　seemed　to　be　able　to　read　Nate’s　thoughts。　And　right　now；　Nate　was　thinking　about　the　choice　that　had　faced　him　for　too　many　years。

“You’re　worried　about　those　two　girls　of　yours；　I　know　it。　The　ones　who　keep　falling　at　your　feet　despite　your　boneheaded　moves？　The　ones　you　can’t　decide　between；　as　if　you’re　facing　some　life…or…death　choice？”

Nate　nodded　miserably。　In　two　sentences；　Chips　had　pretty　much　summarized　the　crisis　he’d　been　struggling　with　since　he　was　fifteen。

“Well；　I’ll　tell　you　this。　You’ll　know　when　you　know。　And　you’ve　got　to　figure　it　out　on　your　own。　I’m　not　babysitting　your　balls　anymore。”　Chips　nodded　definitively　upward　at　the　sails；　pleased　with　his　handiwork。　“Now；　if　you’ll　excuse　me；　I’m　going　to　have　my　morning　tea。　You’ve　got　a　day　to　figure　it　all　out。”　He　gave　Nate　a　parting　wink；　and　disappeared　down　to　the　galley；　leaving　him　with　just　the　sky　and　the　endless　sea　for　pany。

“Thanks；”　Nate　muttered。　He　gripped　the　bow　of　the　ancient　but　sturdy　ship；　feeling　the　salty　wind　on　his　face。　Maybe　Chips　was　right。　He’d　had　some　time　away。　Some　time　to　think　and　be　on　his　own；　to　see　the　world　and　bee　a　man。　He　couldn’t　just　sail　forever。

It　was　time　to　go　back　and　decide　what　to　really　do　with　his　life。　And　when　he　saw　Blair　and　Serena；　he’d　be　ready　to　choose。　Maybe　it　was　best　not　to　overthink　it。　When　he　saw　them；　he’d　just　know。　There　was　no　time　like　the　present。　He　was　ready。

Okay；　but　are　they　ready　for　him？

love　and　other　impossible　pursuits

Dan　Humphrey　poured　a　cup　of　black　Folgers　coffee　into　a　chipped　red　mug　and　shuffled　toward　the　living　room　of　his　family’s　sprawling　Upper　West　Side　apartment。　He　sank　down　on　the　frayed；　overstuffed　beige　couch；　causing　Marx；　the　Humphreys’　fat　black…with…a…dot…of…white　cat；　to　jump　off　the　cushion　in　protest。

It　was　still　early；　but　Dan　felt　too　keyed　up　to　sleep。　He’d　gotten　home　from　his　first　semester　at　Evergreen　College　in　Washington　State　a　week　ago；　and　it　was　finally　beginning　to　sink　in　that　he　wasn’t　going　back。

Ever。

He’d　applied　to　transfer　to　Columbia　for　second　semester　and　had　received　his　acceptance　letter　during　reading　week　before　exams。　After　his　philosophy　final；　he’d　packed　up　his　metallic　blue　’77　Buick　Skylark　and　driven　cross…country；　arriving　in　the　city　just　in　time　to　spend　Christmas　Eve　with　his　dad；　Rufus；　and　his　little　sister；　Jenny。

The　holidays　had　been　nice。　Jenny　had　given　him　a　blue　Banana　Republic　sweater；　his　dad　a　collection　of　Charles　Bukowski　books；　and　they’d　all　eaten　dinner　at　their　favorite　Chinese　restaurant；　which　served　bad　boxed　white　wine　with　every　order。　It　had　been　great　to　see　his　family；　but　the　whole　time；　he’d　been　counting　down　the　hours　until　he　could　see　his　girlfriend—shaven…headed；　filmmaker　genius；　love　of　his　life　Vanessa　Abrams。

Vanessa　had　actually　been　living　in　Dan’s　family’s　apartment　for　the　past　semester；　while　attending　Tisch　School　of　the　Arts　at　NYU。　Her　film　equipment　sat　in　one　corner　of　Dan’s　bedroom；　and　her　black　tank　tops　and　bras　were　in　the　top　drawer　of　the　rickety　bureau　in　the　corner。　It　was　sheer　torture　being　surrounded　by　her　stuff；　and　not　her—Vanessa　was　up　in　Vermont；　visiting　her　parents　for　the　holidays；　until　Wednesday。　She　didn’t　even　know　that　Dan　was　transferring　to　Columbia；　he　wanted　to　surprise　her　with　the　news　in　person　rather　than　via　their　evening　Skype　calls。　Now；　the　anticipation　was　killing　him。

The　gallon　of　Folgers　can’t　help；　either。

Dan　grabbed　his　black　Moleskine　notebook　and　flipped　to　a　blank　page。　It　wasn’t　difficult　to　find　one：　Practically　every　page　was　blank。　He’d　had　writer’s　block　from　the　moment　he　stepped　on　campus　in　September。　When　he’d　decided　to　go　to　Evergreen；　it　had　seemed　like　a　good　idea　to　get　out　of　the　city。　After　all；　he’d　lived　here　forever。　But　in　the　Pacific　Northwest；　everything　was　just…。　wrong。　There　was　too　much　space；　the　trees　were　too　tall；　and　the　coffee　had　names　like　organic　shade…grown　mild　blend　and　earth…friendly　mellow　brew。　His　dorm　fielded　its　own　Ultimate　Hacky　Sack　team；　his　roommate　was　a　vegan　allergic　to　cigarette　smoke；　and　every　single　poem　his　classmates　submitted　in　his　creative　writing　seminar　was　about　pot。

The　only　thing　that　got　Dan　through　was　the　thought　of　Vanessa。　He’d　text　her　all　throughout　the　day；　every　time　something　funny　or　tragic　or　inane　happened；　and　he　always　arranged　his　day　around　their　nightly　Skype　calls。　But　Vanessa　was　so　busy　with　school　that　she　was　sometimes　rushed　or　distracted；　and　seeing　her　pixilated　face　just　wasn’t　the　same　as　holding　her　in　his　arms。

Dan　thoughtfully　chewed　the　end　of　his　Bic　pen。　Suddenly；　for　the　first　time　in　several　months；　words　began　to　flow。

Missed　kisses。

Missed　shreds　of　carpet。

Torn　by　your　Doc　Marten　feet。

I’ve　lost　weight。

Or　maybe　it’s　just　yo