personal assistant；” she retorted。 “I didn’t want to go out because I was fucking exhausted from picking up after you。”
“Really？ Really； Vanessa？” Hollis snorted。 “Guess you weren’t too tired to text Dan all night。 How e you never texted me like that？” The hurt was evident in his voice。
Vanessa shook her head。 At one point in her life； Dan had meant more to her than anyone ever had。 He’d been her best friend； her confidant； the only person in the world who knew her better than she knew herself。 Even though they hadn’t spoken for two years； she knew he still understood her。
But it seemed too impossible to try to explain her relationship with Dan。 To explain any part of what she was feeling right now。 It was as if she and Hollis had lost their ability to municate a long time ago but were only just now realizing it。
She gazed at his balled…up socks under the coffee table； which he never put in the hamper。 Hurt and anger and confusion bubbled up inside of her。 Suddenly； she felt exhausted。 “Look； this isn’t working；” Vanessa found herself saying； her voice breaking。 “But I want you to know I wasn’t cheating。”
“I’m going to go；” Hollis said。 He stood and headed up the spiral stairs to their sleeping loft。 “Spend a few days away。 Clear my head。”
“No； it’s your apartment。 Don’t be ridiculous。 I just need a few minutes to pack。”
Upstairs； she threw her things into a huge army green duffel。 She had nowhere to go。 Ruby and Piotr’s extended family were having a New Year’s Eve goat roast that she didn’t want to crash。 There was too much snow on the ground to get a bus to Vermont to her parents’。 She suddenly found herself thinking of the Upper West Side and Rufus’s flambé。
Maybe there was someplace she could go； after all。
a lot can go wrong in the cold light of day
Jenny felt like she was about to explode from the secret of what had happened last night。 She didn’t want to sit too close to Nate； in case anyone might suspect anything； so she’d watched Two for the Road and My Fair Lady sitting on an unfortable leather ottoman。 Now； the sun was beginning to set； Blair was about to put in Breakfast at Tiffany’s； and Jenny wasn’t sure if she could stand watching another romantic movie in the dark。
“Want to play a game？” she asked； kneeling down before the glass…fronted cabinet of games in the corner of the den。 The snow had let up； and she wondered if they’d all head back to New York。 She hoped they’d stay just one more night； even if it was New Year’s Eve and she was supposed to go to a party in the city with Tinsley； one of her friends from Waverly。 But she didn’t want to go to a party。 All she wanted to do was sneak back up to Nate’s attic bedroom again。
“Let me see。” Serena stood behind Jenny； peering at the games。 “Oooh； Clue！ Remember how your nanny taught us to play this and you were terrified Colonel Mustard was ing to get you？” she called over to Nate。 He smiled slightly。
Serena set up the board。 “Can I be Miss Scarlet？” she asked。
“I don’t see why not。 You always get what you want；” Blair said under her breath from the corner。 She was so over this snowbound adventure。 All she wanted was a quiet New Year’s Eve with her boyfriend； where they toasted their calm； peaceful lives； and planned their Gstaad skiing vacation。 Was that too much to ask？
“Who do you want to be？” Jenny asked Blair as she took the Mrs。 Peacock piece。
“I don’t care；” Blair said tersely。 Everyone was acting strangely today。 Serena and Dan were barely talking； Jenny seemed jumpier than usual； Nate was spacey and quiet； and Chuck was trying to make everyone get along。 Harold and Giles had wisely spent most of the day playing outside with the twins； as if they sensed drama on the horizon and wanted no part of it。 “I’ll be Mrs。 White；” she said finally； sneaking a glance at her white gold Rolex。 Four o’clock。 Too early to lie and say she was going to bed； even if it was practically dark outside。 They began halfheartedly playing。
Serena rolled the dice。 “Six。 Right behind Blair；” she noted as she moved her game piece。 Maybe she and Dan could get on the road after this game； and take their chances with the snow。
“Of course you’re following me；” Blair muttered。 Just like Serena had followed her to Yale。 Just like Serena had followed her to Newport。 She imagined them in their fifties； Blair having to move from home to home to keep away from Serena。
“A little self…centered； Mrs。 White？” Serena asked。 Her tone was light； but she was deadly serious。 What was Blair’s problem？
Blair glared at Serena。 “I suspect Miss van der Woodsen； outside Nate’s room； with a really slutty candlestick；” Blair hissed。
Serena gasped。 “You were there too。 Don’t try to act all innocent。”
“What？” Jenny chirped； backing away from the game board。 What did they mean； outside Nate’s room？
“Sorry； Dan； but you should know Serena was trying to sneak into Nate’s room last night。” Blair stood up abruptly。
Serena felt anger slice through her stomach。 It was so typical of Blair to blame everything on her。 “Let’s go； Dan。” Serena pulled at his arm。 “I need to talk to you。”
Dan climbed to his feet uneasily。 He felt like he was about to throw up。 So Serena had tried to hook up with Nate last night。 She hadn’t even denied it。
“Blair？” Chuck asked from the corner。 “Are you okay？”
“I’ll be fine once Serena gets out of here；” Blair snapped。
“Christ； not again。” Nate angrily kicked the table leg。 Why did this always happen？ Every time he came into contact with Serena and Blair there was a giant blowout。 He suddenly remembered learning about catalyst reactions in his high school chemistry class。 One random chemical could change everything between two otherwise normal chemicals。 It all made sense。 He was a fucking catalyst。
Um； you think？
He walked out of the living room； leaving everyone staring after him。 He couldn’t stay in the house with Blair。 He couldn’t drive back to New York with Serena。 But he had an idea。 His dad kept the Charlotte docked in Newport； and it wasn’t snowing that hard。
Nate ran up to the attic； grabbed his black Lacroix wallet from the oak dresser； and shoved it in the back pocket of his khakis。 He picked up what few things he had with him； shrugged on his coat； and made for the door。
When he opened it； he found Jenny standing there。
“It’s not a good time；” he mumbled； trying to sidestep her。 “I’m leaving。”
Jenny stayed where she was； blocking his path。 “I want to go with you； Nate；” she said； her large brown eyes wide and pleading。 “Please？”
“I’m not going back to New York。 I’m taking my dad’s boat and heading up to Maine；” Nate invented。 He wasn’t sure where to go； but he knew he needed to get far away from here。
“I’ve never been to Maine。” Jenny offered a small smile。 “I know you didn’t hook up with Blair or Serena。 I know you’re different。 And…” She paused and looked shyly at the ground。 She was wearing her red coat and hunter green galoshes； and looked adorably Christmasy。 “I really want to be with you。”
Jenny bit her pink bottom lip as she waited for his answer。 Her sophomore year at Waverly； she’d been in a love triangle of her own； locked in a vicious battle with her roommate over Easy Walsh； a sweet boy from Tennessee。 True； Nate and Blair and Serena had known each other for a long time； and the emotions ran deep。 But she knew Nate； and she knew he had good intentions。 She glanced up again and met his eyes。
Nate paused； taking in Jenny’s sweet； hopeful expression。 He could still hear Blair and Serena’s shrieks from downstairs。 But Jenny… Jenny didn’t look like she’d yell at anyone。
“Are you sure？” he asked finally。
Jenny nodded。 “There are stairs over there。” She pointed to the service entrance she’d found this morning when trying to sneak back down to her room。
Nate nodded slowly。 They were only about a mile from the harbor。 They could walk。 “Let’s go。”
They do say that every ending is a beginning of sorts。
the end of innocence
Blair threw herself facedown on her dad’s bed and let out a wail。
“Bear？” Harold emerged from the bathroom； tying a robe around his waist。 He perched on the side of the bed and rubbed Blair’s back。 “Giles and I heard you while we were in the hot tub。 Are you okay？”
“My whole fucking life sucks；” Blair said； her voice muffled by the thick goose…down forter。
“Talk to me；” Harold said； sinking down beside her on the bed。
Blair sat up。 “It’s Nate；” she said between choking sobs。 She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirrors her dad had creepily installed all around the bed。 Her face was splotchy and her eyelashes were clumped together； wet with tears。 She looked like a scared little girl。 “Whenever he es into my life； I do stupid things。 Now Chuck hates me； I hate Serena； and everything’s all fucked up；” she said as she burst into a fresh sob。
“Bear；” Harold said seriously； “right now there’s a man in this house who is still here； who loves you； who gives you New Year’s Eve presents。” Harold smiled and placed his hand on the enamel bracelet around Blair’s wrist。 “It’s a great time for a fresh start。 Go tell him that you’re confused。 Everyone makes mistakes；” he added tenderly。
Blair looked skeptically at her father。 She’d never gotten love advice from him before。 But he made a good point。 Chuck knew better than anyone that people changed。 Even her。 “Thanks； Daddy；” Blair said； rising。
She wiped her tears with the back of her hand and headed down to the kitchen。 Chuck was sitting at the island； looking at the financial section of the The Wall Street Journal。 It was obvious he wasn’t reading anything。
“Hi；” Blair said in a small voice。
“Hi。” Chuck stood up。 He kept his arms at his sides。
Blair took a deep breath。 “I’m so sorry。 I wasn’t going up there to sleep with Nate。 I mean； I just… I don’t know what I was doing。 It’s like； whenever he and Serena are around I act like this person who I don’t even like；” Blair confessed in a rush of words。 It felt good to say it out loud。 “But I’m in love with you。 I know that。” Blair sucked in her