The Rainbow-虹(英文版)- 第19部分

She　was　silent　for　a　while。

〃You　do　not　want　to　be　with　me　any　more；〃　she　said。

It　startled　him。　How　did　she　know　this　truth？　He　thought　it
was　his　secret。

〃Yi；〃　he　said。

〃You　want　to　find　something　else；〃　she　said。

He　did　not　answer。　〃Did　he？〃　he　asked　himself。

〃You　should　not　want　so　much　attention；〃　she　said。　〃You　are
not　a　baby。〃

〃I'm　not　grumbling；〃　he　said。　Yet　he　knew　he　was。

〃You　think　you　have　not　enough；〃　she　said。

〃How　enough？〃

〃You　think　you　have　not　enough　in　me。　But　how　do　you　know　me？
What　do　you　do　to　make　me　love　you？〃

He　was　flabbergasted。

〃I　never　said　I　hadn't　enough　in　you；〃　he　replied。　〃I　didn't
know　you　wanted　making　to　love　me。　What　do　you　want？〃

〃You　don't　make　it　good　between　us　any　more；　you　are　not
interested。　You　do　not　make　me　want　you。〃

〃And　you　don't　make　me　want　you；　do　you　now？〃　There　was　a
silence。　They　were　such　strangers。

〃Would　you　like　to　have　another　woman？〃　she　asked。

His　eyes　grew　round；　he　did　not　know　where　he　was。　How　could
she；　his　own　wife；　say　such　a　thing？　But　she　sat　there；　small
and　foreign　and　separate。　It　dawned　upon　him　she　did　not
consider　herself　his　wife；　except　in　so　far　as　they　agreed。　She
did　not　feel　she　had　married　him。　At　any　rate；　she　was　willing
to　allow　he　might　want　another　woman。　A　gap；　a　space　opened
before　him。

〃No；〃　he　said　slowly。　〃What　other　woman　should　I　want？〃

〃Like　your　brother；〃　she　said。

He　was　silent　for　some　time；　ashamed　also。

〃What　of　her？〃　he　said。　〃I　didn't　like　the　woman。〃

〃Yes；　you　liked　her；〃　she　answered　persistently。

He　stared　in　wonder　at　his　own　wife　as　she　told　him　his　own
heart　so　callously。　And　he　was　indignant。　What　right　had　she　to
sit　there　telling　him　these　things？　She　was　his　wife；　what　right
had　she　to　speak　to　him　like　this；　as　if　she　were　a
stranger。

〃I　didn't；〃　he　said。　〃I　want　no　woman。〃

〃Yes；　you　would　like　to　be　like　Alfred。〃

His　silence　was　one　of　angry　frustration。　He　was　astonished。
He　had　told　her　of　his　visit　to　Wirksworth；　but　briefly；　without
interest；　he　thought。

As　she　sat　with　her　strange　dark　face　turned　towards　him；　her
eyes　watched　him；　inscrutable；　casting　him　up。　He　began　to
oppose　her。　She　was　again　the　active　unknown　facing　him。　Must　he
admit　her？　He　resisted　involuntarily。

〃Why　should　you　want　to　find　a　woman　who　is　more　to　you　than
me？〃　she　said。

The　turbulence　raged　in　his　breast。

〃I　don't；〃　he　said。

〃Why　do　you？〃　she　repeated。　〃Why　do　you　want　to　deny　me？〃

Suddenly；　in　a　flash；　he　saw　she　might　be　lonely；　isolated；
unsure。　She　had　seemed　to　him　the　utterly　certain；　satisfied；
absolute；　excluding　him。　Could　she　need　anything？

〃Why　aren't　you　satisfied　with　me？……I'm　not　satisfied
with　you。　Paul　used　to　e　to　me　and　take　me　like　a　man　does。
You　only　leave　me　alone　or　take　me　like　your　cattle；　quickly；　to
forget　me　again……so　that　you　can　forget　me　again。〃

〃What　am　I　to　remember　about　you？〃　said　Brangwen。

〃I　want　you　to　know　there　is　somebody　there　besides
yourself。〃

〃Well；　don't　I　know　it？〃

〃You　e　to　me　as　if　it　was　for　nothing；　as　if　I　was　nothing
there。　When　Paul　came　to　me；　I　was　something　to　him……a
woman；　I　was。　To　you　I　am　nothing……it　is　like
cattle……or　nothing〃

〃You　make　me　feel　as　if　I　was　nothing；〃　he　said。

They　were　silent。　She　sat　watching　him。　He　could　not　move；
his　soul　was　seething　and　chaotic。　She　turned　to　her　sewing
again。　But　the　sight　of　her　bent　before　him　held　him　and　would
not　let　him　be。　She　was　a　strange；　hostile；　dominant　thing。　Yet
not　quite　hostile。　As　he　sat　he　felt　his　limbs　were　strong　and
hard；　he　sat　in　strength。

She　was　silent　for　a　long　time；　stitching。　He　was　aware；
poignantly；　of　the　round　shape　of　her　head；　very　intimate；
pelling。　She　lifted　her　head　and　sighed。　The　blood　burned　in
him；　her　voice　ran　to　him　like　fire。

〃e　here；〃　she　said；　unsure。

For　some　moments　he　did　not　move。　Then　he　rose　slowly　and
went　across　the　hearth。　It　required　an　almost　deathly　effort　of
volition；　or　of　acquiescence。　He　stood　before　her　and　looked
down　at　her。　Her　face　was　shining　again；　her　eyes　were　shining
again　like　terrible　laughter。　It　was　to　him　terrible；　how　she
could　be　transfigured。　He　could　not　look　at　her；　it　burnt　his
heart。

〃My　love！〃　she　said。

And　she　put　her　arms　round　him　as　he　stood　before　her　round
his　thighs；　pressing　him　against　her　breast。　And　her　hands　on
him　seemed　to　reveal　to　him　the　mould　of　his　own　nakedness；　he
was　passionately　lovely　to　himself。　He　could　not　bear　to　look　at
her。

〃My　dear！〃　she　said。　He　knew　she　spoke　a　foreign　language。
The　fear　was　like　bliss　in　his　heart。　He　looked　down。　Her　face
was　shining；　her　eyes　were　full　of　light；　she　was　awful。　He
suffered　from　the　pulsion　to　her。　She　was　the　awful　unknown。
He　bent　down　to　her；　suffering；　unable　to　let　go；　unable　to　let
himself　go；　yet　drawn；　driven。　She　was　now　the　transfigured；　she
was　wonderful；　beyond　him。　He　wanted　to　go。　But　he　could　not　as
yet　kiss　her。　He　was　himself　apart。　Easiest　he　could　kiss　her
feet。　But　he　was　too　ashamed　for　the　actual　deed；　which　were
like　an　affront。　She　waited　for　him　to　meet　her；　not　to　bow
before　her　and　serve　her。　She　wanted　his　active　participation；
not　his　submission。　She　put　her　fingers　on　him。　And　it　was
torture　to　him；　that　he　must　give　himself　to　her　actively；
participate　in　her；　that　he　must　meet　and　embrace　and　know　her；
who　was　other　than　himself。　There　was　that　in　him　which　shrank
from　yielding　to　her；　resisted　the　relaxing　towards　her；　opposed
the　mingling　with　her；　even　while　he　most　desired　it。　He　was
afraid；　he　wanted　to　save　himself。

There　were　a　few　moments　of　stillness。　Then　gradually；　the
tension；　the　withholding　relaxed　in　him；　and　he　began　to　flow
towards　her。　She　was　beyond　him；　the　unattainable。　But　he　let　go
his　hold　on　himself；　he　relinquished　himself；　and　knew　the
subterranean　force　of　his　desire　to　e　to　her；　to　be　with　her；
to　mingle　with　her；　losing　himself　to　find　her；　to　find　himself
in　her。　He　began　to　approach　her；　to　draw　near。

His　blood　beat　up　in　waves　of　desire。　He　wanted　to　e　to
her；　to　meet　her。　She　was　there；　if　he　could　reach　her。　The
reality　of　her　who　was　just　beyond　him　absorbed　him。　Blind　and
destroyed；　he　pressed　forward；　nearer；　nearer；　to　receive　the
consummation　of　himself；　he　received　within　the　darkness　which
should　swallow　him　and　yield　him　up　to　himself。　If　he　could　e
really　within　the　blazing　kernel　of　darkness；　if　really　he　could
be　destroyed；　burnt　away　till　he　lit　with　her　in　one
consummation；　that　were　supreme；　supreme。

Their　ing　together　now；　after　two　years　of　married　life；
was　much　more　wonderful　to　them　than　it　had　been　before。　It　was
the　entry　into　another　circle　of　existence；　it　was　the　baptism
to　another　life；　it　was　the　plete　confirmation。　Their　feet
trod　strange　ground　of　knowledge；　their　footsteps　were　lit…up
with　discovery。　Wherever　they　walked；　it　was　well；　the　world
re…echoed　round　them　in　discovery。　They　went　gladly　and
forgetful。　Everything　was　lost；　and　everything　was　found。　The
new　world　was　discovered；　it　remained　only　to　be　explored。

They　had　passed　through　the　doorway　into　the　further　space；
where　movement　was　so　big；　that　it　contained　bonds　and
constraints　and　labours；　and　still　was　plete　liberty。　She　was
the　doorway　to　him；　he　to　her。　At　last　they　had　thrown　open　the
doors；　each　to　the　other；　and　had　stood　in　the　doorways　facing
each　other；　whilst　the　light　flooded　out　from　behind　on　to　each
of　their　faces；　it　was　the　transfiguration；　glorification；　the
admission。

And　always　the　light　of　the　transfiguration　burned　on　in
their　hearts。　He　went　his　way；　as　before；　she　went　her　way；　to
the　rest　of　the　world　there　seemed　no　change。　But　to　the　two　of
them；　there　was　the　perpetual　wonder　of　the　transfiguration。

He　did　not　know　her　any　better；　any　more　precisely；　now　that
he　knew　her　altogether。　Poland；　her　husband；　the　war……he
understood　no　more　of　this　in　her。　He　did　not　understand　her
foreign　nature；　half　German；　half　Polish；　nor　her　foreign
speech。　But　he　knew　her；　he　knew　her　meaning；　without
understanding。　What　she　said；　what　she　spoke；　this　was　a　blind
gesture　on　her　part。　In　herself　she　walked　strong　and　clear；　he
knew　her；　he　saluted　her；　was　with　her。　What　was　memory　after
all；　but　the　recording　of　a　number　of　possibilities　which　had
never　been　fulfilled？　What　was　Paul　Lensky　to　her；　but　an
unfulfilled　possibility　to　which　he；　Brangwen；　was　the　reality
and　the　fulfilment？　What　did　it　matter；　that　Anna　Lensky　was
born　of　Lydia　and　Paul？　God　was　her　father　and　her　mother。　He
had　passed　through　the　married　pair　without　fully　making　Himself
known　to　them。

Now　He　was　declared　to　Brangwen　and　to　Lydia　Brangwen；　as
they　stood　together。　When　at　last　they　had　joined　hands；　the
house　was　finished；　and　the　Lord　took　up　his　abode。　And　they
were　glad。

The　days　went　on　as　before；　Brangwen　went　out　to　his　work；
his　wife　nursed　her　child　and　attended　in　some　measure　to　the
farm。　They　did　not　think　of　each　other…why　should　they？　Only
when　she　touched　him；　he　knew　her　instantly；　that　she　was　with
him；　near　him；　that　she　was　the　gateway　and　the　way　out；　that
she　was　beyond；　and　that　he　was　travelling　in　her　through　the
beyond。　Whither？……What　does　it　matter？　He　responded　always。
When　she　called；　he　answered；　when　he　asked；　her　response　came
at　once；　or　at　length。

Anna's　soul　was　put　at　peace　between　them。　She　looked　from
one　to　the　other；　and　she　saw　them　established　to　her　safety；
and　she　was　free。　She　played　between　the　pillar　of　fire　and　the
pillar　of　cloud　in　confidence；　having　the　assurance　on　her　right
hand　and　the　assurance　on　her　left。　She　was　no　longer　called
upon　to　uphold　with　her　childish　might　the　broken　end　of　the
arch。　Her　father　and　her　mother　now　met　to　the　span　of　the
heavens；　and　she；　the　child；　was　free　to　play　in　the　space
beneath；　between。



CHAPTER　IV

GIRLHOOD　OF　ANNE　BRANGWEN

When　Anna　was　nine　years　old；　Brangwen　sent　her　to　the　dames'
school　in　Cossethay。　There　she　went；　flipping　and　dancing　in　her
inconsequential　fashion；　doing　very　much　as　she　liked；
disconcerting　old　Miss　Coates　by　her　indiffere