unreality； like a man thrown overboard into a sea； to swim till
he sinks； because there is no hold； only a wide； weltering
sea。
He did not sleep； save for the white sleep when a thin veil
is drawn over the mind。 It was not sleep。 He was awake； and he
was not awake。 He could not be alone。 He needed to be able to
put his arms round her。 He could not bear the empty space
against his breast； where she used to be。 He could not bear it。
He felt as if he were suspended in space； held there by the grip
of his will。 If he relaxed his will would fall； fall through
endless space； into the bottomless pit； always falling；
will…less； helpless； non…existent； just dropping to extinction；
falling till the fire of friction had burned out； like a falling
star； then nothing； nothing； plete nothing。
He rose in the morning grey and unreal。 And she seemed fond
of him again； she seemed to make up to him a little。
〃I slept well；〃 she said； with her slightly false brightness。
〃Did you？〃
〃All right；〃 he answered。
He would never tell her。
For three or four nights he lay alone through the white
sleep； his will unchanged； unchanged； still tense； fixed in its
grip。 Then； as if she were revived and free to be fond of him
again； deluded by his silence and seeming acquiescence； moved
also by pity； she took him back again。
Each night； in spite of all the shame； he had waited with
agony for bedtime； to see if she would shut him out。 And each
night； as； in her false brightness； she said Good night； he felt
he must kill her or himself。 But she asked for her kiss； so
pathetically； so prettily。 So he kissed her； whilst his heart
was ice。
And sometimes he went out。 Once he sat for a long time in the
church porch； before going in to bed。 It was dark with a wind
blowing。 He sat in the church porch and felt some shelter； some
security。 But it grew cold； and he must go in to bed。
Then came the night when she said； putting her arms round him
and kissing him fondly：
〃Stay with me to…night； will you？〃
And he had stayed without demur。 But his will had not
altered。 He would have her fixed to him。
So that soon she told him again she must be alone。
〃I don't want to send you away。 I want to sleep
with you。 But I can't sleep； you don't let me sleep。〃
His blood turned black in his veins。
〃What do you mean by such a thing？ It's an arrant lie。 I
don't let you sleep〃
〃But you don't。 I sleep so well when I'm alone。 And I can't
sleep when you're there。 You do something to me； you put a
pressure on my head。 And I must sleep； now the child is
ing。〃
〃It's something in yourself；〃 he replied； 〃something wrong in
you。〃
Horrible in the extreme were these nocturnal bats； when
all the world was asleep； and they two were alone； alone in the
world； and repelling each other。 It was hardly to be borne。
He went and lay down alone。 And at length； after a grey and
livid and ghastly period； he relaxed； something gave way in him。
He let go； he did not care what became of him。 Strange and dim
he became to himself； to her； to everybody。 A vagueness had e
over everything； like a drowning。 And it was an infinite relief
to drown； a relief； a great； great relief。
He would insist no more； he would force her no more。 He would
force himself upon her no more。 He would let go； relax； lapse；
and what would be； should be。
Yet he wanted her still； he always； always wanted her。 In his
soul； he was desolate as a child； he was so helpless。 Like a
child on its mother； he depended on her for his living。 He knew
it； and he knew he could hardly help it。
Yet he must be able to be alone。 He must be able to lie down
alongside the empty space； and let be。 He must be able to leave
himself to the flood； to sink or live as might be。 For he
recognized at length his own limitation； and the limitation of
his power。 He had to give in。
There was a stillness； a wanness between them。 Half at least
of the battle was over。 Sometimes she wept as she went about；
her heart was very heavy。 But the child was always warm in her
womb。
They were friends again； new； subdued friends。 But there was
a wanness between them。 They slept together once more； very
quietly； and distinct； not one together as before。 And she was
intimate with him as at first。 But he was very quiet； and not
intimate。 He was glad in his soul； but for the time being he was
not alive。
He could sleep with her； and let her be。 He could be alone
now。 He had just learned what it was to be able to be alone。 It
was right and peaceful。 She had given him a new； deeper freedom。
The world might be a welter of uncertainty； but he was himself
now。 He had e into his own existence。 He was born for a
second time； born at last unto himself； out of the vast body of
humanity。 Now at last he had a separate identity； he existed
alone； even if he were not quite alone。 Before he had only
existed in so far as he had relations with another being。 Now he
had an absolute self……as well as a relative self。
But it was a very dumb； weak； helpless self； a crawling
nursling。 He went about very quiet； and in a way； submissive。 He
had an unalterable self at last； free； separate；
independent。
She was relieved； she was free of him。 She had given him to
himself。 She wept sometimes with tiredness and helplessness。 But
he was a husband。 And she seemed； in the child that was ing；
to forget。 It seemed to make her warm and drowsy。 She lapsed
into a long muse； indistinct； warm； vague； unwilling to be taken
out of her vagueness。 And she rested on him also。
Sometimes she came to him with a strange light in her eyes；
poignant； pathetic； as if she were asking for something。 He
looked and he could not understand。 She was so beautiful； so
visionary； the rays seemed to go out of his breast to her； like
a shining。 He was there for her； all for her。 And she would hold
his breast； and kiss it； and kiss it； kneeling beside him； she
who was waiting for the hour of her delivery。 And he would lie
looking down at his breast； till it seemed that his breast was
not himself； that he had left it lying there。 Yet it was himself
also； and beautiful and bright with her kisses。 He was glad with
a strange； radiant pain。 Whilst she kneeled beside him； and
kissed his breast with a slow； rapt； half…devotional
movement。
He knew she wanted something； his heart yearned to give it
her。 His heart yearned over her。 And as she lifted her face；
that was radiant and rosy as a little cloud； his heart still
yearned over her； and； now from the distance； adored her。 She
had a flower…like presence which he adored as he stood far off；
a stranger。
The weeks passed on； the time drew near； they were very
gentle； and delicately happy。 The insistent； passionate； dark
soul； the powerful unsatisfaction in him seemed stilled and
tamed； the lion lay down with the lamb in him。
She loved him very much indeed； and he waited near her。 She
was a precious； remote thing to him at this time； as she waited
for her child。 Her soul was glad with an ecstasy because of the
ing infant。 She wanted a boy： oh； very much she wanted a
boy。
But she seemed so young and so frail。 She was indeed only a
girl。 As she stood by the fire washing herself……she was
proud to wash herself at this time……and he looked at her；
his heart was full of extreme tenderness for her。 Such fine；
fine limbs； her slim； round arms like chasing lights； and her
legs so simple and childish； yet so very proud。 Oh； she stood on
proud legs； with a lovely reckless balance of her full belly；
and the adorable little roundnesses； and the breasts being
important。 Above it all； her face was like a rosy cloud
shining。
How proud she was； what a lovely proud thing her young body！
And she loved him to put his hand on her ripe fullness； so that
he should thrill also with the stir and the quickening there。 He
was afraid and silent； but she flung her arms round his neck
with proud； impudent joy。
The pains came on； and Oh……how she cried！ She would have
him stay with her。 And after her long cries she would look at
him； with tears in her eyes and a sobbing laugh on her face；
saying：
〃I don't mind it really。〃
It was bad enough。 But to her it was never deathly。 Even the
fierce； tearing pain was exhilarating。 She screamed and
suffered； but was all the time curiously alive and vital。 She
felt so powerfully alive and in the hands of such a masterly
force of life； that her bottom…most feeling was one of
exhilaration。 She knew she was winning； winning； she was always
winning； with each onset of pain she was nearer to victory。
Probably he suffered more than she did。 He was not shocked or
horrified。 But he was screwed very tight in the vise of
suffering。
It was a girl。 The second of silence on her face when they
said so showed him she was disappointed。 And a great blazing
passion of resentment and protest sprang up in his heart。 In
that moment he claimed the child。
But when the milk came； and the infant sucked her breast； she
seemed to be leaping with extravagant bliss。
〃It sucks me； it sucks me； it likes me……oh； it loves
it！〃 she cried； holding the child to her breast with her two
hands covering it； passionately。
And in a few moments； as she became used to her bliss； she
looked at the youth with glowing； unseeing eyes； and said：
〃Anna Victrix。〃
He went away； trembling； and slept。 To her； her pains were
the wound…smart of a victor； she was the prouder。
When she was well again she was very happy。 She called the
baby Ursula。 Both Anna and her husband felt they must have a
name that gave them private satisfaction。 The baby was tawny
skinned； it had a curious downy skin； and wisps of bronze hair；
and the yellow grey eyes that wavered； and then became
golden…brown like the father's。 So they called her Ursula
because of the picture of the saint。
It was a rather delicate baby at first； but soon it became
stronger； and was restless as a young eel。 Anna was worn out
with the day…long wrestling with its young vigour。
As a little animal； she loved and adored it and was happy。
She loved her husband； she kissed his eyes and nose and mouth；
and made much of him； she said his limbs were beautiful； she was