〃You're pretty wonderful。〃
〃No I'm not。 But you mustn't mind； darling。 I'll try and not make trouble for you。 I know I've made trouble now。 But haven't I been a good girl until now？ You never knew it； did you？〃
〃No。〃
〃It will all be like that。 You simply mustn't worry。 I can see you're worrying。 Stop it。 Stop it right away。 Wouldn't you like a drink； darling？ I know a drink always makes you feel cheerful。〃
〃No。 I feel cheerful。 And you're pretty wonderful。〃
〃No I'm not。 But I'll fix everything to be together if you pick out a place for us to go。 It ought to be lovely in October。 We'll have a lovely time； darling； and I'll write you every day while you're at the front。〃
〃Where will you be？〃
〃I don't know yet。 But somewhere splendid。 I'll look after all that。〃
We were quiet awhile and did not talk。 Catherine was sitting on the bed and I was looking at her but we did not touch each other。 We were apart as when some one es into a room and people are self…conscious。 She put out her hand and took mine。
〃You aren't angry are you； darling？〃
〃No。〃
〃And you don't feel trapped？〃
〃Maybe a little。 But not by you。〃
〃I didn't mean by me。 You mustn't be stupid。 I meant trapped at all。〃
〃You always feel trapped biologically。〃
She went away a long way without stirring or removing her hand。
〃'Always' isn't a pretty word。〃
〃I'm sorry。〃
〃It's all right。 But you see I've never had a baby and I've never even loved any one。 And I've tried to be the way you wanted and then you talk about 'always。〃
〃I could cut off my tongue；〃 I offered。
〃Oh； darling！〃 she came back from wherever she had been。 〃You mustn't mind me。〃 We were both together again and the self…consciousness was gone。 〃We really are the same one and we mustn't misunderstand on purpose。〃
〃We won't。〃
〃But people do。 They love each other and they misunderstand on purpose and they fight and then suddenly they aren't the same one。〃
〃We won't fight。〃
〃We mustn't。 Because there's only us two and in the world there's all the rest of them。 If anything es between us we're gone and then they have us。〃
〃They won't get us；〃 I said。 〃Because you're too brave。 Nothing ever happens to the brave。〃
〃They die of course。〃
〃But only once。〃
〃I don't know。 Who said that？〃
〃The coward dies a thousand deaths； the brave but one？〃
〃Of course。 Who said it？〃
〃I don't know。〃
〃He was probably a coward；〃 she said。 〃He knew a great deal about cowards but nothing about the brave。 The brave dies perhaps two thousand deaths if he's intelligent。 He simply doesn't mention them。〃
〃I don't know。 It's hard to see inside the head of the brave。〃
〃Yes。 That's how they keep that way。〃
〃You're an authority。〃
〃You're right； darling。 That was deserved。〃
〃You're brave。〃
〃No；〃 she said。 〃But I would like to be。〃
〃I'm not；〃 I said。 〃I know where I stand。 I've been out long enough to know。 I'm like a ball…player that bats two hundred and thirty and knows he's no better。〃
〃What is a ball…player that bats two hundred and thirty？ It's awfully impressive。〃
〃It's not。 It means a mediocre hitter in baseball。〃
〃But still a hitter；〃 she prodded me。
〃I guess we're both conceited；〃 I said。 〃But you are brave。〃
〃No。 But I hope to be。〃
〃We're both brave；〃 I said。 〃And I'm very brave when I've had a drink。〃
〃We're splendid people；〃 Catherine said。 She went over to the armoire and brought me the cognac and a glass。 〃Have a drink； darling；〃 she said。 〃You've been awfully good。〃
〃I don't really want one。〃
〃Take one。〃
〃All right。〃 I poured the water glass a third full of cognac and drank it off。
〃That was very big；〃 she said。 〃I know brandy is for heroes。 But you shouldn't exaggerate。〃
〃Where will we live after the war？〃
〃In an old people's home probably；〃 she said。 〃For three years I looked forward very childishly to the war ending at Christmas。 But now I look forward till when our son will be a lieutenant mander。〃
〃Maybe he'll be a general。〃
〃If it's an hundred years' war he'll have time to try both of the services。〃
〃Don't you want a drink？〃
〃No。 It always makes you happy； darling； and it only makes me dizzy。〃
〃Didn't you ever drink brandy？〃
〃No； darling。 I'm a very old…fashioned wife。〃
I reached down to the floor for the bottle and poured another drink。
〃I'd better go to have a look at your patriots；〃 Catherine said。 〃Perhaps you'll read the papers until I e back。〃
〃Do you have to go？〃
〃Now or later。〃
〃All right。 Now。〃
〃I'll e back later。〃
〃I'll have finished the papers；〃 I said。
22
It turned cold that night and the next day it was raining。 ing home from the Ospedale Maggiore it rained very hard and I was wet when I came in。 Up in my room the rain was ing down heavily outside on the balcony； and the wind blew it against the glass doors。 I changed my clothing and drank some brandy but the brandy did not taste good。 I felt sick in the night and in the morning after breakfast I was nauseated。
〃There is no doubt about it；〃 the house surgeon said。 〃Look at the whites of his eyes； Miss。〃
Miss Gage looked。 They had me look in a glass。 The whites of the eyes were yellow and it was the jaundice。 I was sick for two weeks with it。 For that reason we did not spend a convalescent leave together。 We had planned to go to Pallanza on Lago Maggiore。 It is nice there in the fall when the leaves turn。 There are walks you can take and you can troll for trout in the lake。 It would have been better than Stresa because there are fewer people at Pallanza。 Stresa is so easy to get to from Milan that there are always people you know。 There is a nice village at Pallanza and you can row out to the islands where the fishermen live and there is a restaurant on the biggest island。 But we did not go。
One day while I was in bed with jaundice Miss Van Campen came in the room； opened the door into the armoire and saw the empty bottles there。 I had sent a load of them down by the porter and I believe she must have seen them going out and e up to find some more。 They were mostly vermouth bottles； marsala bottles； capri bottles； empty chianti flasks and a few cognac bottles。 The porter had carried out the large bottles； those that had held vermouth； and the straw…covered chianti flasks； and left the brandy bottles for the last。 It was the brandy bottles and a bottle shaped like a bear； which had held k黰mel； that Miss Van Campen found。 The bear shaped bottle enraged her particularly。 She held it up； the bear was sitting up on his haunches with his paws up； there was a cork in his glass head and a few sticky crystals at the bottom。 I laughed。
〃It is k黰mel；〃 I said。 〃The best k黰mel es in those bearshaped bottles。 It es from Russia。〃
〃Those are all brandy bottles； aren't they？〃 Miss Van Campen asked。
〃I can't see them all；〃 I said。 〃But they probably are。〃
〃How long has this been going on？〃
〃I bought them and brought them in myself；〃 I said。 〃I have had Italian officers visit me frequently and I have kept brandy to offer them。〃
〃You haven't been drinking it yourself？〃 she said。
〃I have also drunk it myself。〃
〃Brandy；〃 she said。 〃Eleven empty bottles of brandy and that bear liquid。〃
〃K黰mel。〃
〃I will send for some one to take them away。 Those are all the empty bottles you have？〃
〃For the moment。〃
〃And I was pitying you having jaundice。 Pity is something that is wasted on you。〃
〃Thank you。〃
〃I suppose you can't be blamed for not wanting to go back to the front。 But I should think you would try something more intelligent than producing jaundice with alcoholism。〃
〃With what？〃
〃With alcoholism。 You heard me say it。〃 I did not say anything。 〃Unless you find something else I'm afraid you will have to go back to the front when you are through with your jaundice。 I don't believe self…inflicted jaundice entitles you to a convalescent leave。〃
〃You don't？〃
〃I do not。〃
〃Have you ever had jaundice； Miss Van Campen？〃
〃No； but I have seen a great deal of it。〃
〃You noticed how the patients enjoyed it？〃
〃I suppose it is better than the front。〃
〃Miss Van Campen；〃 I said； 〃did you ever know a man who tried to disable himself by kicking himself in the scrotum？〃
Miss Van Campen ignored the actual question。 She had to ignore it or leave the room。 She was not ready to leave because she had disliked me for a long time and she was now cashing in。
〃I have known many men to escape the front through self…inflicted wounds。〃
〃That wasn't the question。 I have seen self…inflicted wounds also。 I asked you if you had ever known a man who had tried to disable himself by kicking himself in the scrotum。 Because that is the nearest sensation to jaundice and it is a sensation that I believe few women have ever experienced。 That was why I asked you if you had ever had the jaundice； Miss Van Campen； because……〃 Miss Van Campen left the room。 Later Miss Gage came in。
〃What did you say to Van Campen？ She was furious。〃
〃We were paring sensations。 I was going to suggest that she had never experienced childbirth……〃
〃You're a fool；〃 Gage said。 〃She's after your scalp。〃
〃She has my scalp；〃 I said。 〃She's lost me my leave and she might try and get me court…martialled。 She's mean enough。〃
〃She never liked you；〃 Gage said。 〃What's it about？〃
〃She says I've drunk myself into jaundice so as not to go back to the front。〃
〃Pooh；〃 said Gage。 〃I'll swear you've never taken a drink。 Everybody will swear you've never taken a drink。〃
〃She found the bottles。〃
〃I've told you a hundred times to clear out those bottles。 Where are they now？〃
〃In the armoire。〃
〃Have you a suitcase？〃
〃No。 Put them in that rucksack。〃
Miss Gage packed the bottles in the rucksack。 〃I'll give them to the porter；〃 she said。 She started for the door。
〃Just a minute；〃 Miss Van Campen said。 〃I'll take those bottles。〃 She had the porter with her。 〃Carry them； please；〃 she said。 〃I want to show them to the doctor when I make my report。〃
She went down the hall。 The porter carried the sack。 He knew what was in it。
Nothing happened except that I lost my leave。
23
The night I was to return to the front I sent the porter down to hold a seat for me on the train when it came from Turin。 The train was to leave at midnight。 It was made up at Turin and reached Milan