to contemplate。
〃I'm not leaving；〃 I said。
〃Why not？〃 he demanded。
〃I'm in my last semester of school—it would screw everything up。〃
〃You're a good student—you'll figure it out。〃
〃I don't want to crowd Mom and Phil。〃
〃Your mother's been dying to have you back。〃
〃Florida is too hot。〃
His fist came down on the table again。 〃We both know what's really going on
here； Bella； and it's not
good for you。〃 He took a deep breath。 〃It's been months。 No calls； no letters；
no contact。 You can't keep
waitingforhim。〃
I glowered at him。 The heat almost； but not quite； reached my face。 It had
been a long time since I'd
blushed with any emotion。
This whole subject was utterly forbidden； as he was well aware。
〃I'm not waiting for anything。 I don't expect anything；〃 I said in a low
monotone。
〃Bella—；〃 Charlie began； his voice thick。
〃I have to get to school；〃 I interrupted； standing up and yanking my untouched
breakfast from the table。 I
dumped my bowl in the sink without pausing to wash it out。 I couldn't deal
with any more conversation。
〃I'll make plans with Jessica；〃 I called over my shoulder as I strapped on my
school bag； not meeting his
eyes。 〃Maybe I won't be home for dinner。 We'll go to Port Angeles and watch a
movie。〃
I was out the front door before he could react。
In my haste to get away from Charlie； I ended up being one of the first ones
to school。 The plus side was
that I got a really good parking spot。 The downside was that I had free time
on my hands； and I tried to
avoid free time at all costs。
Quickly； before I could start thinking about Charlie's accusations； I pulled
out my Calculus book。 I
flipped it open to the section we should be starting today； and tried to make
sense of it。 Reading math
was even worse than listening to it； but I was getting better at it。 In the
last several months； I'd spent ten
times the amount of time on Calculus than I'd ever spent on math before。 As a
result； I was managing to
keep in the range of a low A。 I knew Mr。 Varner felt my improvement was all
due to his superior
teaching methods。 And if that made him happy； I wasn't going to burst his
bubble。
I forced myself to keep at it until the parking lot was full； and I ended up
rushing to English。 We were
working on Animal Farm； an easy subject matter。 I didn't mind munism； it
was a wele change
from the exhausting romances that made up most of the curriculum。 I settled
into my seat； pleased by the
distraction of Mr。 Berty's lecture。
Time moved easily while I was in school。 The bell rang all too soon。 I started
repacking my bag。
〃Bella？〃
I recognized Mike's voice； and I knew what his next words would be before he
said them。
〃Are you working tomorrow？〃
I looked up。 He was leaning across the aisle with an anxious expression。 Every
Friday he asked me the
same question。 Never mind that I hadn't taken so much as a sick day。 Well；
with one exception； months
ago。 But he had no reason to look at me with such concern。 I was a model
employee。
〃Tomorrow is Saturday； isn't it？〃 I said。 Having just had it pointed out to me
by Charlie； I realized how
lifeless my voice really sounded。
〃Yeah； it is；〃 he agreed。 〃See you in Spanish。〃 He waved once before turning
his back。 He didn't bother
walking me to class anymore。
I trudged off to Calculus with a grim expression。 This was the class where I
sat next to Jessica。
It had been weeks； maybe months； since Jess had even greeted me when I passed
her in the hall。 I knew
I had offended her with my antisocial behavior； and she was sulking。 It wasn't
going to be easy to talk to
her now—especially to ask her to do me a favor。 I weighed my options
carefully as I loitered outside the
classroom； procrastinating。
I wasn't about to face Charlie again without some kind of social interaction
to report。 I knew I couldn't
lie； though the thought of driving to Port Angeles and back alone—being sure
my odometer reflected the
correct mileage； just in case he checked—was very tempting。 Jessica's mom was
the biggest gossip in
town； and Charlie was bound to run into Mrs。 Stanley sooner rather than later。
When he did； he would
no doubt mention the trip。 Lying was out。
With a sigh； I shoved the door open。
Mr。 Varner gave me a dark look—he'd already started the lecture。 I hurried to
my seat。 Jessica didn't
look up as I sat next to her。 I was glad that I had fifty minutes to mentally
prepare myself。
This class flew by even faster than English。 A small part of that speed was
due to my goody…goody
preparation this morning in the truck—but mostly it stemmed from the fact
that time always sped up when
I was looking forward to something unpleasant。
I grimaced when Mr。 Varner dismissed the class five minutes early。 He smiled
like he was being nice。
〃Jess？〃 My nose wrinkled as I cringed； waiting for her to turn on me。
She twisted in her seat to face me； eyeing me incredulously。 〃Are you talking
to me； Bella？〃
〃Of course。〃 I widened my eyes to suggest innocence。
〃What？ Do you need help with Calculus？〃 Her tone was a tad sour。
〃No。〃 I shook my head。 〃Actually； I wanted to know if you would go to the
movies with me tonight？ I
really need a girls' night out。〃 The words sounded stiff； like badly delivered
lines； and she looked
suspicious。
〃Why are you asking me？〃 she asked； still unfriendly。
〃You're the first person I think of when I want girl time。〃 I smiled； and I
hoped the smile looked genuine。
It was probably true。 She was at least the first person I thought of when I
wanted to avoid Charlie。 It
amounted to the same thing。
She seemed a little mollified。 〃Well； I don't know。〃
〃Do you have plans？〃
〃No I guess I can go with you。 What do you want to see？〃
〃I'm not sure what's playing；〃 I hedged。 This was the tricky part。 I racked my
brain for a clue—hadn't I
heard someone talk about a movie recently？ Seen a poster？ 〃How about that one
with the female
president？〃
She looked at me oddly。 〃Bella； that one's been out of the theater forever。〃
〃Oh。〃 I frowned。 〃Is there anything you'd like to see？〃
Jessica's natural bubbliness started to leak out in spite of herself as she
thought out loud。 〃Well； there's
that new romantic edy that's getting great reviews。 I want to see that one。
And my dad just saw
Dead End and he really liked it。〃
I grasped at the promising title。 〃What's that one about？〃
〃Zombies or something。 He said it was the scariest thing he'd seen in years。〃
〃That sounds perfect。〃 I'd rather deal with real zombies than watch a romance。
〃Okay。〃 She seemed surprised by my response。 I tried to remember if I liked
scary movies； but I wasn't
sure。 〃Do you want me to pick you up after school？〃 she offered。
〃Sure。〃
Jessica smiled at me with tentative friendliness before she left。 My answering
smile was just a little late；
but I thought that she saw it。
The rest of the day passed quickly； my thoughts focused on planning for
tonight。 I knew from experience
that once I got Jessica talking； I would be able to get away with a few
mumbled responses at the
appropriate moments。 Only minimal interaction would be required。
The thick haze that blurred my days now was sometimes confusing。 I was
surprised when I found myself
in my room； not clearly remembering the drive home from school or even opening
the front door。 But that
didn't matter。 Losing track of time was the most I asked from life。
I didn't fight the haze as I turned to my closet。 The numbness was more
essential in some places than in
others。 I barely registered what I was looking at as I slid the door aside to
reveal the pile of rubbish on
the left side of my closet； under the clothes I never wore。
My eyes did not stray toward the black garbage bag that held my present from
that last birthday； did not
see the shape of the stereo where it strained against the black plastic； I
didn't think of the bloody mess
my nails had been when I'd finished clawing it out of the dashboard。
I yanked the old purse I rarely used off the nail it hung from； and shoved the
door shut。
Just then I heard a horn honking。 I swiftly traded my wallet from my schoolbag
into the purse。 I was in a
hurry； as if rushing would somehow make the night pass more quickly。
I glanced at myself in the hall mirror before I opened the door； arranging my
features carefully into a smile
and trying to hold them there。
〃Thanks for ing with me tonight；〃 I told Jess as I climbed into the
passenger seat； trying to infuse my
tone with gratitude。 It had been a while since I'd really thought about what I
was saying to anyone
besides Charlie。 Jess was harder。 I wasn't sure which were the right emotions
to fake。
〃Sure。 So； what brought this on？〃 Jess wondered as she drove down my street。
〃Brought what on？〃
〃Why did you suddenly decide to go out？〃 It sounded like she changed her
question halfway through。
I shrugged。 〃Just needed a change。〃
I recognized the song on the radio then； and quickly reached for the dial。 〃Do
you mind？〃 I asked。
〃No； go ahead。〃
I scanned through the stations until I found one that was harmless。 I peeked
at Jess's expression as the
new music filled the car。
Her eyes squinted。 〃Since when do you listen to rap？〃
〃I don't know；〃 I said。 〃A while。〃
〃You like this？〃 she asked doubtfully。
〃Sure。〃
It would be much too hard to interact with Jessica normally if I had to work
to tune out the music； too。 I
nodded my head； hoping I was in time with the beat。
〃Okay〃 She stared out the windshield with wide eyes。
〃So what's up with you and Mike these days？〃 I asked quickly。
〃You see him more than I do。〃
The question hadn't started her talking like I'd hoped it would。
〃It's hard to talk at work；〃 I mumbled； and then I tried again。 〃Have you been
out with anyone lately？〃
〃Not really。 I go out with Conner sometimes。 I went out with Eric two weeks
ago。〃 She rolled her eyes；
and I sensed a long story。 I clutched at the opportunity。
〃Eric Yorkie？ Who asked who？〃
She groaned； getting more animated。 〃He did； of course！ I couldn't think of a
nice way to say no。〃
〃Where did