enjoy no single moment of happiness ： all is vain—— nothing touches
me。 I stand ， as it were ， before the raree…show： I see the little
puppets move， and I ask whether it is not an optical illusion。 I am amused
with these puppets， or ， rather ， I am myself one of them： but， when
I sometimes grasp my neighbour's hand ， I feel that it is not natural
； and I withdraw mine with a shudder。 In the evening I say I will enjoy
the next morning's sunrise， and yet I remain in bed： in the day I promise
to ramble by moonlight； and I， nevertheless ， remain at home。 I know
not why I rise， nor why I go to sleep。
The leaven which animated my existence is gone： the charm which cheered
me in the gloom of night， and aroused me from my morning slumbers， is
for ever fled。
I have found but one being here to interest me， a Miss B ——。 She
resembles you ， my dear Charlotte， if any one can possibly resemble
you。 〃Ah！〃 you will say， 〃he has learned how to pay fine pliments。〃
And this is partly true。 I have been very agreeable lately， as it was
not in my power to be otherwise。 I have ， moreover ， a deal of wit：
and the ladies say that no one understands flattery better， or falsehoods
you will add； since the one acplishment invariably acpanies the
other。 But I must tell you of Miss B——。 She has abundance of soul，
which flashes from her deep blue eyes。 Her rank is a torment to her ，
and satisfies no one desire of her heart。 She would gladly retire from
this whirl of fashion ， and we often picture to ourselves a life of undisturbed
happiness in distant scenes of rural retirement ： and then we speak of
you ， my dear Charlotte； for she knows you， and renders homage to your
merits； but her homage is not exacted， but voluntary， she loves you，
and delights to hear you made the subject of conversation。
Oh， that I were sitting at your feet in your favourite little room，
with the dear children playing around us！ If they became troublesome
to you， I would tell them some appalling goblin story； and they would
crowd round me with silent attention。 The sun is setting in glory ； his
last rays are shining on the snow ， which covers the face of the country
： the storm is over， and I must return to my dungeon。 Adieu ！—— Is
Albert with you ？ and what is he to you？ God forgive the question。
FEBRUARY 8。 For a week past we have had the most wretched weather
： but this to me is a blessing ； for， during my residence here ， not
a single fine day has beamed from the heavens ， but has been lost to
me by the intrusion of somebody。 During the severity of rain， sleet，
frost ， and storm， I congratulate myself that it cannot be worse indoors
than abroad ， nor worse abroad than it is within doors ； and so I bee
reconciled。 When the sun rises bright in the morning， and promises a
glorious day， I never omit to exclaim， 〃There ， now， they have another
blessing from Heaven， which they will be sure to destroy ： they spoil
everything，—— health ， fame ， happiness， amusement； and they do
this generally through folly， ignorance， or imbecility， and always ，
according to their own account， with the best intentions ！〃 I could
often beseech them， on my bended knees ， to be less resolved upon their
own destruction。
FEBRUARY 17。 I fear that my ambassador and I shall not continue much
longer together。 He is really growing past endurance。 He transacts his
business in so ridiculous a manner， that I am often pelled to contradict
him ， and do things my own way ； and then ， of course， he thinks them
very ill done。 He plained of me lately on this account at court； and
the minister gave me a reprimand，—— a gentle one it is true， but still
a reprimand。 In consequence of this ， I was about to tender my resignation，
when I received a letter， to which I submitted with great respect， on
account of the high ， noble， and generous spirit which dictated it。
He endeavoured to soothe my excessive sensibility ， paid a tribute to
my extreme ideas of duty， of good example， and of perseverance in business，
as the fruit of my youthful ardour， an impulse which he did not seek
to destroy， but only to moderate ， that it might have proper play and
be productive of good。 So now I am at rest for another week ， and no
longer at variance with myself。 Content and peace of mind are valuable
things： I could wish ， my dear friend ， that these precious jewels
were less transitory。
FEBRUARY 20。 God bless you， my dear friends， and may he grant you
that happiness which he denies to me！
I thank you ， Albert ， for having deceived me。 I waited for the
news that your wedding…day was fixed； and I intended on that day ， with
solemnity ， to take down Charlotte's profile from the wall ， and to
bury it with some other papers I possess。 You are now united， and her
picture still remains here。 Well， let it remain！ Why should it not？
I know that I am still one of your society， that I still occupy a place
uninjured in Charlotte's heart， that I hold the second place therein
； and I intend to keep it。 Oh， I should bee mad if she could forget！
Albert， that thought is hell ！ Farewell ， Albert farewell， angel of
heaven farewell ， Charlotte！
MARCH 15。 I have just had a sad adventure ， which will drive me away
from here。 I lose all patience！—— Death！—— It is not to be remedied
； and you alone are to blame ， for you urged and impelled me to fill
a post for which I was by no means suited。 I have now reason to be satisfied，
and so have you ！ But， that you may not again attribute this fatality
to my impetuous temper， I send you ， my dear sir， a plain and simple
narration of the affair ， as a mere chronicler of facts would describe
it。
The Count of O—— likes and distinguishes me。 It is well known ，
and I have mentioned this to you a hundred times。 Yesterday I dined with
him。 It is the day on which the nobility are accustomed to assemble at
his house in the evening。 I never once thought of the assembly， nor that
we subalterns did not belong to such society。 Well， I dined with the
count ； and， after dinner ， we adjourned to the large hall。 We walked
up and down together： and I conversed with him ， and with Colonel B
——， who joined us； and in this manner the hour for the assembly approached。
God knows ， I was thinking of nothing， when who should enter but the
honourable Lady acpanied by her noble husband and their silly， scheming
daughter， with her small waist and flat neck ； and， with disdainful
looks and a haughty air they passed me by。 As I heartily detest the whole
race， I determined upon going away ； and only waited till the count
had disengaged himself from their impertinent prattle ， to take leave，
when the agreeable Miss B —— came in。 As I never meet her without experiencing
a heartfelt pleasure， I stayed and talked to her ， leaning over the
back of her chair ， and did not perceive ， till after some time ， that
she seemed a little confused， and ceased to answer me with her usual
ease of manner。 I was struck with it。 〃Heavens！〃 I said to myself， 〃can
she ， too， be like the rest ？〃 I felt annoyed， and was about to withdraw
； but I remained ， notwithstanding， forming excuses for her conduct，
fancying she did not mean it， and still hoping to receive some friendly
recognition。 The rest of the pany now arrived。 There was the Baron
F ——， in an entire suit that dated from the coronation of Francis I。
； the Chancellor N ——， with his deaf wife ； the shabbily…dressed
I ——， whose old…fashioned coat bore evidence of modern repairs ： this
crowned the whole。 I conversed with some of my acquaintances， but they
answered me laconically。 I was engaged in observing Miss B——， and did
not notice that the women were whispering at the end of the room， that
the murmur extended by degrees to the men ， that Madame S—— addressed
the count with much warmth（this was all related to me subsequently by
Miss B——）； till at length the count came up to me ， and took me to
the window。 〃You know our ridiculous customs，〃 he said。 〃I perceive the
pany is rather displeased at your being here。 I would not on any account
——〃 〃I beg your excellency's pardon ！〃 I exclaimed。 〃I ought to have
thought of this before， but I know you will forgive this little inattention。
I was going ，〃 I added ， 〃some time ago ， but my evil genius detained
me。〃 And I smiled and bowed ， to take my leave。 He shook me by the hand，
in a manner which expressed everything。 I hastened at once from the illustrious
assembly， sprang into a carriage ， and drove to M ——。 I contemplated
the setting sun from the top of the hill， and read that beautiful passage
in Homer， where Ulysses is entertained by the hospitable herdsmen。 This
was indeed delightful。 I returned home to supper in the evening。 But few
persons were assembled in the room。 They had turned up a corner of the
table…cloth ， and were playing at dice。 The good…natured A —— came
in。 He laid down his hat when he saw me ， approached me， and said in
a low tone， 〃You have met with a disagreeable adventure。〃 〃I ！〃 I exclaimed。
〃The count obliged you to withdraw from the assembly！〃 〃Deuce take the
assembly！〃 said I。 〃I was very glad to be gone。〃 〃I am delighted ，〃
he added， 〃that you take it so lightly。 I am only sorry that it is already
so much spoken of。〃 The circumstance then began to pain me。 I fancied
that every one who sat down ， and even looked at me， was thinking of
this incident ； and my heart became embittered。
And now I could plunge a dagger into my bosom ， when I hear myself
everywhere pitied ， and observe the triumph of my enemies， who say that
this is always the case with vain persons ， whose heads are turned with
conceit ， who affect to despise forms and such petty ， idle nonsense。
Say what you will of fortitude， but show me the man who can patiently
endure the laughter of fools， when they have obtained an advantage over
him。 'Tis only when their nonsense is without foundation that one can
suffer it without plaint。