over me。 Jane at the moment approached with the glass。 Her sister ， Marianne，
wished to take it from her。 〃No ！〃 cried the child ， with the sweetest
expression of face， 〃Charlotte must drink first。〃
The affection and simplicity with which this was uttered so charmed
me， that I sought to express my feelings by catching up the child and
kissing her heartily。 She was frightened， and began to cry。 〃You should
not do that ，〃 said Charlotte： I felt perplexed。 〃e， Jane ，〃 she
continued ， taking her hand， and leading her down the steps again ，
〃it is no matter： wash yourself quickly in the fresh water。〃 I stood
and watched them； and when I saw the little dear rubbing her cheeks with
her wet hands ， in full belief that all the impurities contracted from
my ugly beard would be washed off by the miraculous water ， and how，
though Charlotte said it would do ， she continued still to wash with
all her might ， as though she thought too much were better than too little，
I assure you， Wilhelm， I never attended a baptism with greater reverence
； and， when Charlotte came up from the well ， I could have prostrated
myself as before the prophet of an Eastern nation。
In the evening I would not resist telling the story to a person who，
I thought ， possessed some natural feeling ， because he was a man of
understanding。 But what a mistake I made。 He maintained it was very wrong
of Charlotte， that we should not deceive children， that such things
occasioned countless mistakes and superstitions ， from which we were
bound to protect the young。 It occurred to me then， that this very man
had been baptised only a week before； so I said nothing further， but
maintained the justice of my own convictions。 We should deal with children
as God deals with us， we are happiest under the influence of innocent
delusions。
JULY 8。 What a child is man that he should be so solicitous about
a look！ What a child is man！ We had been to Walheim ： the ladies went
in a carriage ； but during our walk I thought I saw in Charlotte's dark
eyes—— I am a fool—— but forgive me ！ you should see them，—— those
eyes。 —— However， to be brief（for my own eyes are weighed down with
sleep ）， you must know， when the ladies stepped into their carriage
again ， young W。 Seldstadt ， Andran ， and I were standing about the
door。 They are a merry set of fellows ， and they were all laughing and
joking together。 I watched Charlotte's eyes。 They wandered from one to
the other ； but they did not light on me ， on me， who stood there motionless，
and who saw nothing but her ！ My heart bade her a thousand times adieu，
but she noticed me not。 The carriage drove off； and my eyes filled with
tears。 I looked after her ： suddenly I saw Charlotte's bon leaning
out of the window ， and she turned to look back， was it at me ？ My
dear friend ， I know not ； and in this uncertainty I find consolation。
Perhaps she turned to look at me。 Perhaps ！ Good…night —— what a child
I am！
JULY lO。 You should see how foolish I look in pany when her name
is mentioned， particularly when I am asked plainly how I like her。 How
I like her！ I detest the phrase。 What sort of creature must he be who
merely liked Charlotte， whose whole heart and senses were not entirely
absorbed by her。 Like her ！ Some one asked me lately how I liked Ossian。
JULY 11。 Madame M —— is very ill。 I pray for her recovery ， because
Charlotte shares my sufferings。 I see her occasionally at my friend's
house ， and to…day she has told me the strangest circumstance。 Old M
—— is a covetous， miserly fellow ， who has long worried and annoyed
the poor lady sadly ； but she has borne her afflictions patiently。 A
few days ago， when the physician informed us that her recovery was hopeless，
she sent for her husband（Charlotte was present ）， and addressed him
thus： 〃I have something to confess ， which， after my decease ， may
occasion trouble and confusion。 I have hitherto conducted your household
as frugally and economically as possible， but you must pardon me for
having defrauded you for thirty years。 At the mencement of our married
life， you allowed a small sum for the wants of the kitchen ， and the
other household expenses。 When our establishment increased and our property
grew larger ， I could not persuade you to increase the weekly allowance
in proportion ： in short ， you know ， that ， when our wants were greatest，
you required me to supply everything with seven florins a week。 I took
the money from you without an observation ， but made up the weekly deficiency
from the money…chest； as nobody would suspect your wife of robbing the
household bank。 But I have wasted nothing ， and should have been content
to meet my eternal Judge without this confession， if she ， upon whom
the management of your establishment will devolve after my decease， would
be free from embarrassment upon your insisting that the allowance made
to me ， your former wife ， was sufficient。〃
I talked with Charlotte of the inconceivable manner in which men allow
themselves to be blinded； how any one could avoid suspecting some deception，
when seven florins only were allowed to defray expenses twice as great。
But I have myself known people who believed ， without any visible astonishment，
that their house possessed the prophet's never…failing cruse of oil。
JULY 13。 No ， I am not deceived。 In her dark eyes I read a genuine
interest in me and in my fortunes。 Yes， I feel it； and I may believe
my own heart which tells me —— dare I say it？—— dare I pronounce
the divine words？—— that she loves me！
That she loves me ！ How the idea exalts me in my own eyes！ And，
as you can understand my feelings ， I may say to you ， how I honour
myself since she loves me ！
Is this presumption ， or is it a consciousness of the truth？ I do
not know a man able to supplant me in the heart of Charlotte； and yet
when she speaks of her betrothed with so much warmth and affection， I
feel like the soldier who has been stripped of his honours and titles ，
and deprived of his sword。
JULY 16。 How my heart beats when by accident I touch her finger ，
or my feet meet hers under the table！ I draw back as if from a furnace
； but a secret force impels me forward again ， and my senses bee
disordered。 Her innocent， unconscious heart never knows what agony these
little familiarities inflict upon me。 Sometimes when we are talking she
Iays her hand upon mine ， and in the eagerness of conversation es
closer to me， and her balmy breath reaches my lips ，—— when I feel
as if lightning had struck me ， and that I could sink into the earth。
And yet ， Wilhelm， with all this heavenly confidence，—— if I know
myself， and should ever dare —— you understand me。 No， no ！ my heart
is not so corrupt ， it is weak ， weak enough but is not that a degree
of corruption ？
She is to me a sacred being。 All passion is still in her presence
： I cannot express my sensations when I am near her。 I feel as if my
soul beat in every nerve of my body。 There is a melody which she plays
on the piano with angelic skill ，—— so simple is it， and yet so spiritual！
It is her favourite air ； and， when she plays the first note， all pain，
care， and sorrow disappear from me in a moment。
I believe every word that is said of the magic of ancient music。 How
her simple song enchants me ！ Sometimes， when I am ready to mit suicide，
she sings that air； and instantly the gloom and madness which hung over
me are dispersed， and I breathe freely again。
JULY 18。 Wilhelm， what is the world to our hearts without love ？
What is a magic…lantern without light ？ You have but to kindle the flame
within， and the brightest figures shine on the white wall； and， if
love only show us fleeting shadows， we are yet happy ， when ， like
mere children ， we behold them ， and are transported with the splendid
phantoms。 I have not been able to see Charlotte to…day。 I was prevented
by pany from which I could not disengage myself。 What was to be done？
I sent my servant to her house， that I might at least see somebody to…day
who had been near her。 Oh ， the impatience with which I waited for his
return！ the joy with which I weled him！ I should certainly have caught
him in my arms， and kissed him ， if I had not been ashamed。
It is said that the Bonona stone， when placed in the sun ， attracts
the rays， and for a time appears luminous in the dark。 So was it with
me and this servant。 The idea that Charlotte's eyes had dwelt on his countenance，
his cheek ， his very apparel ， endeared them all inestimably to me，
so that at the moment I would not have parted from him for a thousand
crowns。 His presence made me so happy ！ Beware of laughing at me ， Wilhelm。
Can that be a delusion which makes us happy ？
JULY 19。 〃I shall see her today ！〃 I exclaim with delight， when
I rise in the morning ， and look out with gladness of heart at the bright，
beautiful sun。 〃I shall see her today ！〃 And then I have no further wish
to form ： all， all is included in that one thought。
JULY 2O。 I cannot assent to your proposal that I should acpany
the ambassador to _______。 I do not love subordination； and we all know
that he is a rough， disagreeable person to be connected with。 You say
my mother wishes me to be employed。 I could not help laughing at that。
Am I not sufficiently employed？ And is it not in reality the same， whether
I shell peas or count lentils ？ The world runs on from one folly to another
； and the man who， solely from regard to the opinion of others， and
without any wish or necessity of his own， toils after gold ， honour ，
or any other phantom， is no better than a fool。
JULY 24。 You insist so much on my not neglecting my drawing ， that
it would be as well for me to say nothing as to confess how little I have
lately done。
I never felt happier， I never understood nature better ， even down
to the veriest stem or smallest blade of grass； and yet I am unable to
express myself： my powers of execution