off the desk。 I left the light off and slipped out； closing the door。
I could hear the sound from the TV rising up the stairs。 I banged the
bathroom door loudly； so Charlie wouldn't e up to bother me。
I meant to hurry。 I brushed my teeth fiercely； trying to be thorough and
speedy； removing all traces of lasagna。 But the hot water of the shower
couldn't be rushed。 It unknotted the muscles in my back； calmed my pulse。
The familiar smell of my shampoo made me feel like I might be the same
person I had been this morning。 I tried not to think of Edward； sitting
in my room； waiting； because then I had to start all over with the
calming process。 Finally； I couldn't delay anymore。 I shut off the water；
toweling hastily； rushing again。 I pulled on my holey tshirt and gray
sweatpants。 Too late to regret not packing the Victoria's Secret silk
pajamas my mother got me two birthdays ago； which still had the tags on
them in a drawer somewhere back home。
I rubbed the towel through my hair again； and then yanked the brush
through it quickly。 I threw the towel in the hamper； flung my brush and
toothpaste into my bag。 Then I dashed down the stairs so Charlie could
see that I was in my pajamas； with wet hair。
〃'Night； Dad。〃
〃'Night； Bella。〃 He did look startled by my appearance。 Maybe that would
keep him from checking on me tonight。
I took the stairs two at a time； trying to be quiet； and flew into my
room； closing the door tightly behind me。
Edward hadn't moved a fraction of an inch； a carving of Adonis perched on
my faded quilt。 I smiled； and his lips twitched； the statue ing to
life。
His eyes appraised me； taking in the damp hair； the tattered shirt。 He
raised one eyebrow。 〃Nice。〃
I grimaced。
〃No； it looks good on you。〃
〃Thanks；〃 I whispered。 I went back to his side； sitting crosslegged
beside him。 I looked at the lines in the wooden floor。
〃What was all that for？〃
〃Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out。〃
〃Oh。〃 He contemplated that。 〃Why？〃 As if he couldn't know Charlie's mind
much more clearly than I could guess。
〃Apparently； I look a little overexcited。〃
He lifted my chin； examining my face。
〃You look very warm； actually。〃
He bent his face slowly to mine； laying his cool cheek against my skin。 I
held perfectly still。
〃Mmmmmm…〃 he breathed。
It was very difficult； while he was touching me； to frame a coherent
question。 It took me a minute of scattered concentration to begin。
〃It seems to be… much easier for you； now； to be close to me。〃
〃Does it seem that way to you？〃 he murmured； his nose gliding to the
corner of my jaw。 I felt his hand； lighter than a moth's wing； brushing
my damp hair back； so that his lips could touch the hollow beneath my ear。
〃Much； much easier；〃 I said； trying to exhale。
〃Hmm。〃
〃So I was wondering…〃 I began again； but his fingers were slowly tracing
my collarbone； and I lost my train of thought。
〃Yes？〃 he breathed。
〃Why is that；〃 my voice shook； embarrassing me； 〃do you think？〃
I felt the tremor of his breath on my neck as he laughed。 〃Mind over
matter。〃
I pulled back； as I moved； he froze — and I could no longer hear the
sound of his breathing。
We stared cautiously at each other for a moment； and then； as his
clenched jaw gradually relaxed； his expression became puzzled。
〃Did I do something wrong？〃
〃No — the opposite。 You're driving me crazy；〃 I explained。
He considered that briefly； and when he spoke； he sounded pleased。
〃Really？〃 A triumphant smile slowly lit his face。
〃Would you like a round of applause？〃 I asked sarcastically。
He grinned。
〃I'm just pleasantly surprised；〃 he clarified。 〃In the last hundred years
or so；〃 his voice was teasing； 〃I never imagined anything like this。 I
didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with… in another
way than my brothers and sisters。 And then to find； even though it's all
new to me； that I'm good at it… at being with you…〃
〃You're good at everything；〃 I pointed out。
He shrugged； allowing that； and we both laughed in whispers。
〃But how can it be so easy now？〃 I pressed。 〃This afternoon…〃
〃It's not easy；〃 he sighed。 〃But this afternoon； I was still… undecided。
I am sorry about that； it was unforgivable for me to behave so。〃
〃Not unforgivable；〃 I disagreed。
〃Thank you。〃 He smiled。 〃You see；〃 he continued； looking down now； 〃I
wasn't sure if I was strong enough…〃 He picked up one of my hands and
pressed it lightly to his face。 〃And while there was still that
possibility that I might be… overe〃 — he breathed in the scent at my
wrist — 〃I was… susceptible。 Until I made up my mind that I was strong
enough； that there was no possibility at all that I would… that I ever
could…〃
I'd never seen him struggle so hard for words。 It was so… human。
〃So there's no possibility now？〃
〃Mind over matter；〃 he repeated； smiling； his teeth bright even in the
darkness。
〃Wow； that was easy；〃 I said。
He threw back his head and laughed； quietly as a whisper； but still
exuberantly。
〃Easy for you！〃 he amended； touching my nose with his fingertip。
And then his face was abruptly serious。
〃I'm trying；〃 he whispered； his voice pained。 〃If it gets to be… too
much； I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave。〃
I scowled。 I didn't like the talk of leaving。
〃And it will be harder tomorrow；〃 he continued。 〃I've had the scent of
you in my head all day； and I've grown amazingly desensitized。 If I'm
away from you for any length of time； I'll have to start over again。 Not
quite from scratch； though； I think。〃
〃Don't go away； then；〃 I responded； unable to hide the longing in my
voice。
〃That suits me；〃 he replied； his face relaxing into a gentle smile。
〃Bring on the shackles — I'm your prisoner。〃 But his long hands formed
manacles around my wrists as he spoke。 He laughed his quiet； musical
laugh。 He'd laughed more tonight than I'd ever heard in all the time I'd
spent with him。
〃You seem more… optimistic than usual；〃 I observed。 〃I haven't seen you
like this before。〃
〃Isn't it supposed to be like this？〃 He smiled。 〃The glory of first love；
and all that。 It's incredible； isn't it； the difference between reading
about something； seeing it in the pictures； and experiencing it？〃
〃Very different；〃 I agreed。 〃More forceful than I'd imagined。〃
〃For example〃 — his words flowed swiftly now； I had to concentrate to
catch it all — 〃the emotion of jealousy。 I've read about it a hundred
thousand times； seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and
movies。 I believed I understood that one pretty clearly。 But it shocked
me…〃 He grimaced。 〃Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the
dance？〃
I nodded； though I remembered that day for a different reason。 〃The day
you started talking to me again。〃
〃I was surprised by the flare of resentment； almost fury； that I felt — I
didn't recognize what it was at first。 I was even more aggravated than
usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking； why you refused him。
Was it simply for your friend's sake？ Was there someone else？ I knew I
had no right to care either way。 I tried not to care。
〃And then the line started forming；〃 he chuckled。 I scowled in the
darkness。
〃I waited； unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them； to
watch your expressions。 I couldn't deny the relief I felt； watching the
annoyance on your face。 But I couldn't be sure。
〃That was the first night I came here。 I wrestled all night； while
watching you sleep； with the chasm between what I knew was right； moral；
ethical； and what I wanted。 I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I
should； or if I left for a few years； till you were gone； that someday
you would say yes to Mike； or someone like him。 It made me angry。
〃And then；〃 he whispered； 〃as you were sleeping； you said my name。 You
spoke so clearly； at first I thought you'd woken。 But you rolled over
restlessly and mumbled my name once more； and sighed。 The feeling that
coursed through me then was unnerving； staggering。 And I knew I couldn't
ignore you any longer。〃 He was silent for a moment； probably listening to
the suddenly uneven pounding of my heart。
〃But jealousy… it's a strange thing。 So much more powerful than I would
have thought。 And irrational！ Just now； when Charlie asked you about that
vile Mike Newton…〃 He shook his head angrily。
〃I should have known you'd be listening；〃 I groaned。
〃Of course。〃
〃That made you feel jealous； though； really？〃
〃I'm new at this； you're resurrecting the human in me； and everything
feels stronger because it's fresh。〃
〃But honestly；〃 I teased； 〃for that to bother you； after I have to hear
that Rosalie — Rosalie； the incarnation of pure beauty； Rosalie — was
meant for you。 Emmett or no Emmett； how can I pete with that？〃
〃There's no petition。〃 His teeth gleamed。 He drew my trapped hands
around his back； holding me to his chest。 I kept as still as I could；
even breathing with caution。
〃I know there's no petition；〃 I mumbled into his cold skin。 〃That's
the problem。〃
〃Of course Rosalie is beautiful in her way； but even if she wasn't like a
sister to me； even if Emmett didn't belong with her； she could never have
one tenth； no； one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me。〃 He was
serious now； thoughtful。 〃For almost niy years I've walked among my
kind； and yours… all the time thinking I was plete in myself； not
realizing what I was seeking。 And not finding anything； because you
weren't alive yet。〃
〃It hardly seems fair；〃 I whispered； my face still resting on his chest；
listening to his breath e and go。 〃I haven't had to wait at all。 Why
should I get off so easily？〃
〃You're right；〃 he agreed with amusement。 〃I should make this harder for
you； definitely。〃 He freed one of his hands； released my wrist； only to
gather it carefully into his other hand。 He stroked my wet hair softly；
from the top of my head to my waist。 〃You only have to risk your life
every second you spend with me； that's surely not much。