“Because my hair is longer；” he said； amused — my question hadn’t offended him； at least。 He shook his
head so that his unkempt hair — grown out to his chin now — tickled my cheek。
“Oh。” I was surprised； but it made sense。 So that was why they’d all cropped their hair in the beginning；
when they joined the pack。 “Then why don’t you cut it？ Do you like to be shaggy？”
He didn’t answer right away this time； and Edward laughed under his breath。
“Sorry；” I said； pausing to yawn。 “I didn’t mean to pry。 You don’t have to tell me。”
Jacob made an annoyed sound。 “Oh； he’ll tell you anyway； so I might as well。 。 。 。 I was growing my hair
out because 。 。 。 it seemed like you liked it better long。”
“Oh。” I felt awkward。 “I； er； like it both ways； Jake。 You don’t need to be 。 。 。 inconvenienced。”
He shrugged。 “Turns out it was very convenient tonight； so don’t worry about it。”
I didn’t have anything else to say。 As the silence lengthened； my eyelids drooped and shut； and my
breathing grew slower； more even。
“That’s right； honey； go to sleep；” Jacob whispered。
I sighed； content； already halfunconscious。
“Seth is here；” Edward muttered to Jacob； and I suddenly understood the point of the howling。
“Perfect。 Now you can keep an eye on everything else； while I take care of your girlfriend for you。”
Edward didn’t answer； but I groaned groggily。 “Stop it；” I muttered。
It was quiet then； inside at least。 Outside； the wind shrieked insanely through the trees。 The shimmying of
the tent made it hard to sleep。 The poles would suddenly jerk and quiver； pulling me back from the edge of
unconsciousness each time I was close to slipping under。 I felt so bad for the wolf； the boy that was stuck
outside in the snow。
My mind wandered as I waited for sleep to find me。 This warm little space made me think of the early
days with Jacob； and I remembered how it used to be when he was my replacement sun； the warmth that
made my empty life livable。 It had been a while since I’d thought of Jake that way； but here he was； warming
me again。
“Please！” Edward hissed。 “Do you mind！”
“What？” Jacob whispered back； his tone surprised。
“Do you think you could attempt to control your thoughts？” Edward’s low whisper was furious。
“No one said you had to listen；” Jacob muttered； defiant； yet still embarrassed。 “Get out of my head。”
“I wish I could。 You have no idea how loud your little fantasies are。 It’s like you’re shouting them at me。”
“I’ll try to keep it down；” Jacob whispered sarcastically。
There was a brief moment of silence。
“Yes；” Edward answered an unspoken thought in a murmur so low I barely made it out。 “I’m jealous of
that； too。”
“I figured it was like that；” Jacob whispered smugly。 “Sort of evens the playing field up a little； doesn’t it？”
Edward chuckled。 “In your dreams。”
“You know； she could still change her mind；” Jacob taunted him。 “Considering all the things I could do
with her that you can’t。 At least； not without killing her； that is。”
“Go to sleep； Jacob；” Edward murmured。 “You’re starting to get on my nerves。”
“I think I will。 I’m really very fortable。”
Edward didn’t answer。
I was too far gone to ask them to stop talking about me like I wasn’t there。 The conversation had taken on
a dreamlike quality to me； and I wasn’t sure I was really awake。
“Maybe I would；” Edward said after a moment； answering a question I hadn’t heard。
“But would you be honest？”
“You can always ask and see。” Edward’s tone made me wonder if I was missing out on a joke。
“Well； you see inside my head — let me see inside yours tonight； it’s only fair；” Jacob said。
“Your head is full of questions。 Which one do you want me to answer？”
“The jealousy 。 。 。 it has to be eating at you。 You can’t be as sure of yourself as you seem。 Unless you
have no emotions at all。”
“Of course it is；” Edward agreed； no longer amused。 “Right now it’s so bad that I can barely control my
voice。 Of course； it’s even worse when she’s away from me； with you； and I can’t see her。”
“Do you think about it all the time？” Jacob whispered。 “Does it make it hard to concentrate when she’s
not with you？”
“Yes and no；” Edward said； he seemed determined to answer honestly。 “My mind doesn’t work quite the
same as yours。 I can think of many more things at one time。 Of course； that means that I’m always able to
think of you； always able to wonder if that’s where her mind is； when she’s quiet and thoughtful。”
They were both still for a minute。
“Yes； I would guess that she thinks about you often；” Edward murmured in response to Jacob’s thoughts。
“More often than I like。 She worries that you’re unhappy。 Not that you don’t know that。 Not that you don’t
use that。”
“I have to use whatever I can；” Jacob muttered。 “I’m not working with your advantages — advantages
like her knowing she’s in love with you。”
“That helps；” Edward agreed in a mild tone。
Jacob was defiant。 “She’s in love with me； too； you know。”
Edward didn’t answer。
Jacob sighed。 “But she doesn’t know it。”
“I can’t tell you if you’re right。”
“Does that bother you？ Do you wish you could see what she’s thinking； too？”
“Yes 。 。 。 and no； again。 She likes it better this way； and； though it sometimes drives me insane； I’d rather
she was happy。”
The wind ripped around the tent； shaking it like an earthquake。 Jacob’s arms tightened around me
protectively。
“Thank you；” Edward whispered。 “Odd as this might sound； I suppose I’m glad you’re here； Jacob。”
“You mean； ‘as much as I’d love to kill you； I’m glad she’s warm；’ right？”
“It’s an unfortable truce； isn’t it？”
Jacob’s whisper was suddenly smug。 “I knew you were just as crazy jealous as I am。”
“I’m not such a fool as to wear it on my sleeve like you do。 It doesn’t help your case； you know。”
“You have more patience than I do。”
“I should。 I’ve had a hundred years to gain it。 A hundred years of waiting for her。”
“So 。 。 。 at what point did you decide to play the very patient good guy？”
“When I saw how much it was hurting her to make her choose。 It’s not usually this difficult to control。 I
can smother the 。 。 。 less civilized feelings I may have for you fairly easily most of the time。 Sometimes I think
she sees through me； but I can’t be sure。”
“I think you were just worried that if you really forced her to choose； she might not choose you。”
Edward didn’t answer right away。 “That was a part of it；” he finally admitted。 “But only a small part。 We
all have our moments of doubt。 Mostly I was worried that she’d hurt herself trying to sneak away to see you。
After I’d accepted that she was more or less safe with you — as safe as Bella ever is — it seemed best to
stop driving her to extremes。”
Jacob sighed。 “I’d tell her all of this； but she’d never believe me。”
“I know。” It sounded like Edward was smiling。
“You think you know everything；” Jacob muttered。
“I don’t know the future；” Edward said； his voice suddenly unsure。
There was a long pause。
“What would you do if she changed her mind？” Jacob asked。
“I don’t know that either。”
Jacob chuckled quietly。 “Would you try to kill me？” Sarcastic again； as if doubting Edward’s ability to do
it。
“No。”
“Why not？” Jacob’s tone was still jeering。
“Do you really think I would hurt her that way？”
Jacob hesitated for a second； and then sighed。 “Yeah； you’re right。 I know that’s right。 But sometimes 。 。
。”
“Sometimes it’s an intriguing idea。”
Jacob pressed his face into the sleeping bag to muffle his laugher。 “Exactly；” he eventually agreed。
What a strange dream this was。 I wondered if it was the relentless wind that made me imagine all the
whispering。 Only the wind was screaming rather than whispering 。 。 。
“What is it like？ Losing her？” Jacob asked after a quiet moment； and there was no hint of humor in his
suddenly hoarse voice。 “When you thought that you’d lost her forever？ How did you 。 。 。 cope？”
“That’s very difficult for me to talk about。”
Jacob waited。
“There were two different times that I thought that。” Edward spoke each word just a little slower than
normal。 “The first time； when I thought I could leave her 。 。 。 that was 。 。 。 almost bearable。 Because I thought
she would forget me and it would be like I hadn’t touched her life。 For over six months I was able to stay
away； to keep my promise that I wouldn’t interfere again。 It was getting close — I was fighting but I knew I
wasn’t going to win； I would have e back 。 。 。 just to check on her。 That’s what I would have told myself；
anyway。 And if I’d found her reasonably happy 。 。 。 I like to think that I could have gone away again。
“But she wasn’t happy。 And I would have stayed。 That’s how she convinced me to stay with her
tomorrow； of course。 You were wondering about that before； what could possibly motivate me 。 。 。 what she
was feeling so needlessly guilty about。 She reminded me of what it did to her when I left — what it still does to
her when I leave。 She feels horrible about bringing that up； but she’s right。 I’ll never be able to make up for
that； but I’ll never stop trying anyway。”
Jacob didn’t respond for a moment； listening to the storm or digesting what he’d heard； I didn’t know
which。
“And the other time — when you thought she was dead？” Jacob whispered roughly。
“Yes。” Edward answered a different question。 “It will probably feel like that to you； won’t it？ The way you
perceive us； you might not be able to see her as Bella anymore。 But that’s who she’ll be。”
“That’s not what I asked。”
Edward’s voice came back fast and hard。 “I can’t tell you how it felt。 There aren’t words。”
Jacob’s arms flexed around me。
“But you left because you didn’t want to make her a bloodsucker。 You want her to be human。”
Edward spoke slowly。 “Jacob； from the second that I realized that I loved her； I knew there were only
four possibilities。 The first alternative； the best one for Bella； would be if she didn’t feel as stron