all the way to La Push。
Carlisle’s black Mercedes was not in front of Billy’s house。 That was both good and bad。 Obviously； I
needed to talk to Jacob alone。 Yet I still wished I could somehow hold Edward’s hand； like I had before；
when Jacob was unconscious。 Impossible。 But I missed Edward — it had seemed like a very long afternoon
alone with Alice。 I supposed that made my answer quite obvious。 I already knew that I couldn’t live without
Edward。 That fact wasn’t going to make this any less painful。
I tapped quietly on the front door。
“e in； Bella；” Billy said。 The roar of my truck was easy to recognize。
I let myself in。
“Hey； Billy。 Is he awake？” I asked。
“He woke up about a half hour ago； just before the doctor left。 Go on in。 I think he’s been waiting for
you。”
I flinched； and then took a deep breath。 “Thanks。”
I hesitated at the door to Jacob’s room； not sure whether to knock。 I decided to peek first； hoping —
coward that I was — that maybe he’d gone back to sleep。 I felt like I could use just a few more minutes。
I opened the door a crack and leaned hesitantly in。
Jacob was waiting for me； his face calm and smooth。 The haggard； gaunt look was gone； but only a careful
blankness took its place。 There was no animation in his dark eyes。
It was hard to look at his face； knowing that I loved him。 It made more of a difference than I would have
thought。 I wondered if it had always been this hard for him； all this time。
Thankfully； someone had covered him with a quilt。 It was a relief not to have to see the extent of the
damage。
I stepped in and shut the door quietly behind me。
“Hi； Jake；” I murmured。
He didn’t answer at first。 He looked at my face for a long moment。 Then； with some effort； he rearranged
his expression into a slightly mocking smile。
“Yeah； I sort of thought it might be like that。” He sighed。 “Today has definitely taken a turn for the worse。
First I pick the wrong place； miss the best fight； and Seth gets all the glory。 Then Leah has to be an idiot trying
to prove she’s as tough as the rest of us and I have to be the idiot who saves her。 And now this。” He waved
his left hand toward me where I hesitated by the door。
“How are you feeling？” I mumbled。 What a stupid question。
“A little stoned。 Dr。 Fang isn’t sure how much pain medication I need； so he’s going with trial and error。
Think he overdid it。”
“But you’re not in pain。”
“No。 At least； I can’t feel my injuries；” he said； smiling mockingly again。
I bit my lip。 I was never going to get through this。 Why didn’t anyone ever try to kill me when I wanted to
die？
The wry humor left his face； and his eyes warmed up。 His forehead creased； like he was worried。
“How about you？” he asked； sounding really concerned。 “Are you okay？”
“Me？” I stared at him。 Maybe he had taken too many drugs。 “Why？”
“Well； I mean； I was pretty sure that he wouldn’t actually hurt you； but I wasn’t sure how bad it was
going to be。 I’ve been going a little crazy with worrying about you ever since I woke up。 I didn’t know if you
were going to be allowed to visit or anything。 The suspense was terrible。 How did it go？ Was he mean to you？
I’m sorry if it was bad。 I didn’t mean for you to have to go through that alone。 I was thinking I’d be there。 。 。 。”
It took me a minute to even understand。 He babbled on； looking more and more awkward； until I got
what he was saying。 Then I hurried to reassure him。
“No； no； Jake！ I’m fine。 Too fine； really。 Of course he wasn’t mean。 I wish！”
His eyes widened in what looked like horror。 “What？”
“He wasn’t even mad at me — he wasn’t even mad at you！ He’s so unselfish it makes me feel even
worse。 I wish he would have yelled at me or something。 It’s not like I don’t deserve 。 。 。 well； much worse that
getting yelled at。 But he doesn’t care。 He just wants me to be happy。”
“He wasn’t mad？” Jacob asked； incredulous。
“No。 He was 。 。 。 much too kind。”
Jacob stared for another minute； and then he suddenly frowned。 “Well； damn！” he growled。
“What’s wrong； Jake？ Does it hurt？” My hands fluttered uselessly as I looked around for his medication。
“No；” he grumbled in a disgusted tone。 “I can’t believe this！ He didn’t give you an ultimatum or anything？”
“Not even close — what’s wrong with you？”
He scowled and shook his head。 “I was sort of counting on his reaction。 Damn it all。 He’s better than I
thought。”
The way he said it； though angrier； reminded me of Edward’s tribute to Jacob’s lack of ethics in the tent
this morning。 Which meant that Jake was still hoping； still fighting。 I winced as that stabbed deep。
“He’s not playing any game； Jake；” I said quietly。
“You bet he is。 He’s playing every bit as hard as I am； only he knows what he’s doing and I don’t。 Don’t
blame me because he’s a better manipulator than I am — I haven’t been around long enough to learn all his
tricks。”
“He isn’t manipulating me！”
“Yes； he is！ When are you going to wake up and realize that he’s not a perfect as you think he is？”
“At least he didn’t threaten to kill himself to make me kiss him；” I snapped。 As soon as the words were
out； I flushed with chagrin。 “Wait。 Pretend that didn’t slip out。 I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to say
anything about that。”
He took a deep breath。 When he spoke； he was calmer。 “Why not？”
“Because I didn’t e here to blame you for anything。”
“It’s true； though；” he said evenly。 “I did do that。”
“I don’t care； Jake。 I’m not mad。”
He smiled。 “I don’t care； either。 I knew you’d forgive me； and I’m glad I did it。 I’d do it again。 At least I
have that much。 At least I made you see that you do love me。 That’s worth something。”
“Is it？ Is it really better than if I was still in the dark？”
“Don’t you think you ought to know how you feel — just so that it doesn’t take you by surprise someday
when it’s too late and you’re a married vampire？”
I shook my head。 “No — I didn’t mean better for me。 I meant better for you。 Does it make things better
or worse for you； having me know that I’m in love with you？ When it doesn’t make a difference either way。
Would it have been better； easier for you； if I never clued in？”
He took my question as seriously as I’d meant it； thinking carefully before he answered。 “Yes； it’s better
to have you know；” hefinally decided。 “If you hadn’t figured it out 。 。 。 I’d have always wondered if your
decision would have been different if you had。 Now I know。 I did everything I could。” He dragged in an
unsteady breath； and closed his eyes。
This time I did not — could not — resist the urge to fort him。 I crossed the small room and kneeled
by his head； afraid to sit on the bed in case I jostled it and hurt him； and leaned in to touch my forehead to his
cheek。
Jacob sighed； and put his hand on my hair； holding me there。
“I’m so sorry； Jake。”
“I always knew this was a long shot。 It’s not your fault； Bella。”
“Not you； too；” I moaned。 “Please。”
He pulled away to look at me。 “What？”
“It is my fault。 And I’m so sick of being told it’s not。”
He grinned。 It didn’t touch his eyes。 “You want me to haul you over the coals？”
“Actually 。 。 。 I think I do。”
He pursed his lips as he measured how much I meant it。 A smile flashed across his face briefly； and then
he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl。
“Kissing me back like that was inexcusable。” He spit the words at me。 “If you knew you were just going
to take it back； maybe you shouldn’t have been quite so convincing about it。”
I winced and nodded。 “I’m so sorry。”
“Sorry doesn’t make anything better； Bella。 What were you thinking？”
“I wasn’t；” I whispered。
“You should have told me to go die。 That’s what you want。”
“No； Jacob；” I whimpered； fighting against the budding tears。 “No！ Never。”
“You’re not crying？” he demanded； his voice suddenly back to its normal tone。 He twitched impatiently on
the bed。
“Yeah；” I muttered； laughing weakly at myself through the tears that were suddenly sobs。
He shifted his weight； throwing his good leg off the bed as if he were going to try to stand。
“What are you doing？” I demanded through the tears。 “Lie down； you idiot； you’ll hurt yourself！” I jumped
to my feet and pushed his good shoulder down with two hands。
He surrendered； leaning back with a gasp of pain； but he grabbed me around my waist and pulled me
down on the bed； against his good side。 I curled up there； trying to stifle the silly sobs against his hot skin。
“I can’t believe you’re crying；” he mumbled。 “You know I just said those things because you wanted me
to。 I didn’t mean them。” His hand rubbed against my shoulders。
“I know。” I took a deep； ragged breath； trying to control myself。 How did I end up being the one crying
while he did the forting？ “It’s all still true； though。 Thanks for saying it out loud。”
“Do I get points for making you cry？”
“Sure； Jake。” I tried to smile。 “As many as you want。”
“Don’t worry； Bella； honey。 It’s all going to work out。”
“I don’t see how；” I muttered。
He patted the top of my head。 “I’m going to give in and be good。”
“More games？” I wondered； tilting my chin so that I could see his face。
“Maybe。” He laughed with a bit of effort； and then winced。 “But I’m going to try。”
I frowned。
“Don’t be so pessimistic；” he plained。 “Give me a little credit。”
“What do you mean by ‘be good’？”
“I’ll be your friend； Bella；” he said quietly。 “I won’t ask for more than that。”
“I think it’s too late for that； Jake。 How can we be friends； when we love each other like this？”
He looked at the ceiling； his stare intent； as if he were reading something that was written there。 “Maybe 。 。
。 it will have to be a longdistance friendship。”
I clenched my teeth together； glad he wasn’t looking at my face； fighting against the sobs that threatened to
overtake me again。 I needed to be strong； and I had no idea how。 。 。 。
“You know that story in the Bible？” Jacob asked suddenly； still readin