2 new+moon新月- 第13部分

〃It's　beyond　me；　Bella。　Maybe　your　mother—〃　

〃Look；〃　I　said　in　a　flat　voice。　〃I'll　go　out　tonight；　if　you　want。　I'll　call　Jess　or　Angela。〃　

〃That's　not　what　I　want；〃　he　argued；　frustrated。　〃I　don't　think　I　can　live　through　seeing　you　try　harder。　
I've　never　seen　anyone　trying　so　hard。　It　hurts　to　watch。〃　

I　pretended　to　be　dense；　looking　down　at　the　table。　〃I　don't　understand；　Dad。　First　you're　mad　because　
I'm　not　doing　anything；　and　then　you　say　you　don't　want　me　to　go　out。〃　

〃I　want　you　to　be　happy—no；　not　even　that　much。　I　just　want　you　not　to　be　miserable。　I　think　you'll　have　

a　better　chance　if　you　get　out　of　Forks。〃　

My　eyes　flashed　up　with　the　first　small　spark　of　feeling　I'd　had　in　too　long　to　contemplate。　

〃I'm　not　leaving；〃　I　said。　

〃Why　not？〃　he　demanded。　

〃I'm　in　my　last　semester　of　school—it　would　screw　everything　up。〃　

〃You're　a　good　student—you'll　figure　it　out。〃　

〃I　don't　want　to　crowd　Mom　and　Phil。〃　

〃Your　mother's　been　dying　to　have　you　back。〃　

〃Florida　is　too　hot。〃　

His　fist　came　down　on　the　table　again。　〃We　both　know　what's　really　going　on　here；　Bella；　and　it's　not　
good　for　you。〃　He　took　a　deep　breath。　〃It's　been　months。　No　calls；　no　letters；　no　contact。　You　can't　keep　
waitingforhim。〃　

I　glowered　at　him。　The　heat　almost；　but　not　quite；　reached　my　face。　It　had　been　a　long　time　since　I'd　
blushed　with　any　emotion。　

This　whole　subject　was　utterly　forbidden；　as　he　was　well　aware。　

〃I'm　not　waiting　for　anything。　I　don't　expect　anything；〃　I　said　in　a　low　monotone。　

〃Bella—；〃　Charlie　began；　his　voice　thick。　

〃I　have　to　get　to　school；〃　I　interrupted；　standing　up　and　yanking　my　untouched　breakfast　from　the　table。　I　
dumped　my　bowl　in　the　sink　without　pausing　to　wash　it　out。　I　couldn't　deal　with　any　more　conversation。　

〃I'll　make　plans　with　Jessica；〃　I　called　over　my　shoulder　as　I　strapped　on　my　school　bag；　not　meeting　his　
eyes。　〃Maybe　I　won't　be　home　for　dinner。　We'll　go　to　Port　Angeles　and　watch　a　movie。〃　

I　was　out　the　front　door　before　he　could　react。　

In　my　haste　to　get　away　from　Charlie；　I　ended　up　being　one　of　the　first　ones　to　school。　The　plus　side　was　
that　I　got　a　really　good　parking　spot。　The　downside　was　that　I　had　free　time　on　my　hands；　and　I　tried　to　
avoid　free　time　at　all　costs。　

Quickly；　before　I　could　start　thinking　about　Charlie's　accusations；　I　pulled　out　my　Calculus　book。　I　
flipped　it　open　to　the　section　we　should　be　starting　today；　and　tried　to　make　sense　of　it。　Reading　math　
was　even　worse　than　listening　to　it；　but　I　was　getting　better　at　it。　In　the　last　several　months；　I'd　spent　ten　
times　the　amount　of　time　on　Calculus　than　I'd　ever　spent　on　math　before。　As　a　result；　I　was　managing　to　
keep　in　the　range　of　a　low　A。　I　knew　Mr。　Varner　felt　my　improvement　was　all　due　to　his　superior　
teaching　methods。　And　if　that　made　him　happy；　I　wasn't　going　to　burst　his　bubble。　

I　forced　myself　to　keep　at　it　until　the　parking　lot　was　full；　and　I　ended　up　rushing　to　English。　We　were　
working　on　Animal　Farm；　an　easy　subject　matter。　I　didn't　mind　munism；　it　was　a　wele　change　
from　the　exhausting　romances　that　made　up　most　of　the　curriculum。　I　settled　into　my　seat；　pleased　by　the　
distraction　of　Mr。　Berty's　lecture。　

Time　moved　easily　while　I　was　in　school。　The　bell　rang　all　too　soon。　I　started　repacking　my　bag。　

〃Bella？〃　

I　recognized　Mike's　voice；　and　I　knew　what　his　next　words　would　be　before　he　said　them。　

〃Are　you　working　tomorrow？〃　

I　looked　up。　He　was　leaning　across　the　aisle　with　an　anxious　expression。　Every　Friday　he　asked　me　the　
same　question。　Never　mind　that　I　hadn't　taken　so　much　as　a　sick　day。　Well；　with　one　exception；　months　
ago。　But　he　had　no　reason　to　look　at　me　with　such　concern。　I　was　a　model　employee。　

〃Tomorrow　is　Saturday；　isn't　it？〃　I　said。　Having　just　had　it　pointed　out　to　me　by　Charlie；　I　realized　how　
lifeless　my　voice　really　sounded。　

〃Yeah；　it　is；〃　he　agreed。　〃See　you　in　Spanish。〃　He　waved　once　before　turning　his　back。　He　didn't　bother　
walking　me　to　class　anymore。　

I　trudged　off　to　Calculus　with　a　grim　expression。　This　was　the　class　where　I　sat　next　to　Jessica。　

It　had　been　weeks；　maybe　months；　since　Jess　had　even　greeted　me　when　I　passed　her　in　the　hall。　I　knew　
I　had　offended　her　with　my　antisocial　behavior；　and　she　was　sulking。　It　wasn't　going　to　be　easy　to　talk　to　
her　now—especially　to　ask　her　to　do　me　a　favor。　I　weighed　my　options　carefully　as　I　loitered　outside　the　
classroom；　procrastinating。　

I　wasn't　about　to　face　Charlie　again　without　some　kind　of　social　interaction　to　report。　I　knew　I　couldn't　
lie；　though　the　thought　of　driving　to　Port　Angeles　and　back　alone—being　sure　my　odometer　reflected　the　
correct　mileage；　just　in　case　he　checked—was　very　tempting。　Jessica's　mom　was　the　biggest　gossip　in　
town；　and　Charlie　was　bound　to　run　into　Mrs。　Stanley　sooner　rather　than　later。　When　he　did；　he　would　
no　doubt　mention　the　trip。　Lying　was　out。　

With　a　sigh；　I　shoved　the　door　open。　

Mr。　Varner　gave　me　a　dark　look—he'd　already　started　the　lecture。　I　hurried　to　my　seat。　Jessica　didn't　
look　up　as　I　sat　next　to　her。　I　was　glad　that　I　had　fifty　minutes　to　mentally　prepare　myself。　

This　class　flew　by　even　faster　than　English。　A　small　part　of　that　speed　was　due　to　my　goodygoody　
preparation　this　morning　in　the　truck—but　mostly　it　stemmed　from　the　fact　that　time　always　sped　up　when　
I　was　looking　forward　to　something　unpleasant。　

I　grimaced　when　Mr。　Varner　dismissed　the　class　five　minutes　early。　He　smiled　like　he　was　being　nice。　

〃Jess？〃　My　nose　wrinkled　as　I　cringed；　waiting　for　her　to　turn　on　me。　

She　twisted　in　her　seat　to　face　me；　eyeing　me　incredulously。　〃Are　you　talking　to　me；　Bella？〃　

〃Of　course。〃　I　widened　my　eyes　to　suggest　innocence。　

〃What？　Do　you　need　help　with　Calculus？〃　Her　tone　was　a　tad　sour。　

〃No。〃　I　shook　my　head。　〃Actually；　I　wanted　to　know　if　you　would…　go　to　the　movies　with　me　tonight？　I　
really　need　a　girls'　night　out。〃　The　words　sounded　stiff；　like　badly　delivered　lines；　and　she　looked　
suspicious。　

〃Why　are　you　asking　me？〃　she　asked；　still　unfriendly。　

〃You're　the　first　person　I　think　of　when　I　want　girl　time。〃　I　smiled；　and　I　hoped　the　smile　looked　genuine。　
It　was　probably　true。　She　was　at　least　the　first　person　I　thought　of　when　I　wanted　to　avoid　Charlie。　It　
amounted　to　the　same　thing。　

She　seemed　a　little　mollified。　〃Well；　I　don't　know。〃　

〃Do　you　have　plans？〃　

〃No…　I　guess　I　can　go　with　you。　What　do　you　want　to　see？〃　

〃I'm　not　sure　what's　playing；〃　I　hedged。　This　was　the　tricky　part。　I　racked　my　brain　for　a　clue—hadn't　I　
heard　someone　talk　about　a　movie　recently？　Seen　a　poster？　〃How　about　that　one　with　the　female　
president？〃　

She　looked　at　me　oddly。　〃Bella；　that　one's　been　out　of　the　theater　forever。〃　

〃Oh。〃　I　frowned。　〃Is　there　anything　you'd　like　to　see？〃　

Jessica's　natural　bubbliness　started　to　leak　out　in　spite　of　herself　as　she　thought　out　loud。　〃Well；　there's　
that　new　romantic　edy　that's　getting　great　reviews。　I　want　to　see　that　one。　And　my　dad　just　saw　
Dead　End　and　he　really　liked　it。〃　

I　grasped　at　the　promising　title。　〃What's　that　one　about？〃　

〃Zombies　or　something。　He　said　it　was　the　scariest　thing　he'd　seen　in　years。〃　

〃That　sounds　perfect。〃　I'd　rather　deal　with　real　zombies　than　watch　a　romance。　

〃Okay。〃　She　seemed　surprised　by　my　response。　I　tried　to　remember　if　I　liked　scary　movies；　but　I　wasn't　
sure。　〃Do　you　want　me　to　pick　you　up　after　school？〃　she　offered。　

〃Sure。〃　

Jessica　smiled　at　me　with　tentative　friendliness　before　she　left。　My　answering　smile　was　just　a　little　late；　
but　I　thought　that　she　saw　it。　

The　rest　of　the　day　passed　quickly；　my　thoughts　focused　on　planning　for　tonight。　I　knew　from　experience　
that　once　I　got　Jessica　talking；　I　would　be　able　to　get　away　with　a　few　mumbled　responses　at　the　
appropriate　moments。　Only　minimal　interaction　would　be　required。　

The　thick　haze　that　blurred　my　days　now　was　sometimes　confusing。　I　was　surprised　when　I　found　myself　
in　my　room；　not　clearly　remembering　the　drive　home　from　school　or　even　opening　the　front　door。　But　that　
didn't　matter。　Losing　track　of　time　was　the　most　I　asked　from　life。　

I　didn't　fight　the　haze　as　I　turned　to　my　closet。　The　numbness　was　more　essential　in　some　places　than　in　
others。　I　barely　registered　what　I　was　looking　at　as　I　slid　the　door　aside　to　reveal　the　pile　of　rubbish　on　
the　left　side　of　my　closet；　under　the　clothes　I　never　wore。　

My　eyes　did　not　stray　toward　the　black　garbage　bag　that　held　my　present　from　that　last　birthday；　did　not　
see　the　shape　of　the　stereo　where　it　strained　against　the　black　plastic；　I　didn't　think　of　the　bloody　mess　
my　nails　had　been　when　I'd　finished　clawing　it　out　of　the　dashboard。　

I　yanked　the　old　purse　I　rarely　used　off　the　nail　it　hung　from；　and　shoved　the　door　shut。　

Just　then　I　heard　a　horn　honking。　I　swiftly　traded　my　wallet　from　my　schoolbag　into　the　purse。　I　was　in　a　

hurry；　as　if　rushing　would　somehow　make　the　night　pass　more　quickly。　

I　glanced　at　myself　in　the　hall　mirror　before　I　opened　the　door；　arranging　my　features　carefully　into　a　smile　
and　trying　to　hold　them　there。　

〃Thanks　for　ing　with　me　tonight；〃　I　told　Jess　as　I　climbed　into　the　passenger　seat；　trying　to　infuse　my　
tone　with　gratitude。　It　had　been　a　while　since　I'd　really　thought　about　what　I　was　saying　to　anyone　
besides　Charlie。　Jess　was　harder。　I　wasn't　sure　which　were　the　right　emotions　to　fake。　

〃Sure。　So；　what　brought　this　on？〃　Jess　wondered　as　she　drove　down　my　street。　

〃Brought　what　on？〃　

〃Why　did　you　suddenly　decide…　to　go　out？〃　It　sounded　like　she　changed　her　question　halfway　through。　

I　shrugged。　〃Just　needed　a　change。〃　

I　recognized　the　song　on　the　radio　then；　and　quickly　reached　for　the　dial。　〃Do　you　mind？〃　I　asked。　

〃No；　go　ahead。〃　

I　scanned　through　the　stations　until　I　found　one　that　was　harmless。　I　peeked　at　Jess's　expression　as　the　
new　music　filled　the　car。　

Her　eyes　squinted。　〃Since　when　do　you　listen　to　rap？〃　

〃I　don't　know；〃　I　said。　〃A　while。〃　

〃You　like　this？〃　she　asked　doubtfully。　

〃Sure。〃　

It　would　be　much　too　hard　to　interact　with　Jessica