seed of doubt in your head。 I lied； and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt you； sorry because it was a
worthless effort。 Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I an。 I lied to save you； and it didn't work。
I'm sorry。
〃But how could you believe me？ After all the thousand times I've told you I love you； how could you let
one word break your faith in me？〃
I didn't answer。 I was too shocked to form a rational response。
〃I could see it in your eyes； that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore。 The most absurd；
ridiculous concept—as if there were anu way that I could exist without needing you！〃
I was still frozen。 His words were inprehensible； because they were impossible。
He shook my shoulder again； not hard； but enough that my teeth rattled a little。
〃Bella；〃 he sighed。 〃Really； what were you thinking！〃
And so I started to cry。 The tears welled up and then gushed miserably down my cheeks。
〃I knew it；〃 I sobbed。 〃I knew I was dreaming。〃
〃You're impossible；〃 he said； and he laughed once—a hard laugh； frustrated。 〃How can I put this so that
you'll believe me？ You're not asleep； and you're not dead。 I'm here； and I love you。 I have always loved
you； and I will always love you。 I was thinking of you； seeing your face in my mind； every second that I
was away。 When I told you that I didn't want you； it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy。〃
I shook my head while the tears continued to ooze from the corners of my eyes。
〃You don't believe me； do you？〃 he whispered； his face paler than his usual pale—I could see that even
in the dim light。 〃Why can you believe the lie； but not the truth？〃
〃It never made sense for you to love me；〃 I explained； my voice breaking twice。 〃I always knew that。〃
His eyes narrowed； his jaw tightened。
〃I'll prove you're awake；〃 he promised。
He caught my face securely between his iron hands； ignoring my struggles when I tried to turn my head
away。
〃Please don't；〃 I whispered。
He stopped； his lips just half an inch from mine。
〃Why not？〃 he demanded。 His breath blew into my face； making my head whirl。
〃When I wake up〃—He opened his mouth to protest； so I revised—〃okay； forget that one—when you
leave again； it's going to be hard enough without this； too。〃
He pulled back an inch； to stare at my face。
〃Yesterday； when I would touch you； you were so… hesitant； so careful； and yet still the same。 I need to
know why。 Is it because I'm too late？ Because I've hurt you too much？ Because you have moved on； as
I meant for you to？ That would be… quite fair。 I won't contest your decision。 So don't try to spare my
feelings； please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me； after everything I've done to you。
Can you？〃 he whispered。
〃What kind of an idiotic question is that？〃
〃Just answer it。 Please。〃
I stared at him darkly for a long moment。 〃The way I feel about you will never change。 Of course I love
you—and there's nothing you can do about it！〃
〃That's all I needed to hear。〃
His mouth was on mine then； and I couldn't fight him。 Not because he was so many thousand times
stronger than me； but because my will crumbled into dust the second our lips met。 This kiss was not quite
as careful as others I remembered； which suited me just fine。 If I was going to rip myself up further； I
might as well get as much in trade as possible。
So I kissed him back； my heart pounding out a jagged； disjointed rhythm while my breathing turned to
panting and my fingers moved greedily to his face。 I could feel his marble body against every line of mine；
and I was so glad he hadn't listened to me—there was no pain in the world that would have justified
missing this。 His hands memorized my face； the same way mine were tracing his； and； in the brief seconds
when his lips were free； he whispered my name。
When I was starting to get dizzy； he pulled away； only to lay his ear against my heart。
I lay there； dazed； waiting for my gasping to slow and quiet。
〃By the way；〃 he said in a casual tone。 〃I'm not leaving you。〃
I didn't say anything； and he seemed to hear skepticism in my silence。
He lifted his face to lock my gaze in his。 〃I'm not going anywhere。 Not without you；〃 he added more
seriously。
〃I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal； happy； human life。 I
could see what I was doing to you—keeping you constantly on the edge of danger； taking you away
from the world you belonged in； risking your life every moment I was with you。 So I had to try。 I had to
do something； and it seemed like leaving was the only way。 If I hadn't thought you would be better off； I
could have never made myself leave。 I'm much too selfish。 Only you could be more important than what I
wanted… what I needed。 What I want and need is to be with you； and I know I'll never be strong
enough to leave again。 I have too many excuses to stay—thank heaven for that！ It seems you can't be
safe； no matter how many miles I put between us。〃
〃Don't promise me anything；〃 I whispered。 If I let myself hope； and it came to nothing… that would kill
me。 Where all those merciless vampires had not been able to finish me off； hope would do the job。
Anger glinted metallic in his black eyes。 〃You think I'm lying to you now？〃
〃No—not lying。〃 I shook my head； trying to think it through coherently。 To examine the hypothesis that
he did love me； while staying objective； clinical； so I wouldn't fall into the trap of hoping。 〃You could
mean it… now。 But what about tomorrow； when you think about all the reasons you left in the first
place？ Or next month； when Jasper takes a snap at me？〃
He flinched。
I thought back over those last days of my life before he left me； tried to see them through the filter of
what he was telling me now。 From that perspective； imagining that he'd left me while loving me； left me
for me； his brooding and cold silences took on a different meaning。 〃It isn't as if you hadn't thought the
first decision through； is it？〃 I guessed。 〃You'll end up doing what you think is right。〃
〃I'm not as strong as you give me credit for；〃 he said。 〃Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to
me； I was ing back anyway。 Before Rosalie told me the news； I was already past trying to live
through one week at a time； or even one day。 I was fighting to make it through a single hour。 It was only
a matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me
back。 I'd be happy to beg now； if you'd like that。〃
I grimaced。 〃Be serious； please。〃
〃Oh； I am；〃 he insisted； glaring now。 〃Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you？ Will you let me
attempt to explain what you mean to me？〃
He waited； studying my face as he spoke to make sure I was really listening。
〃Before you； Bella； my life was like a moonless night。 Very dark； but there were stars—points of light
and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor。 Suddenly everything was on fire； there
was brilliancy； there was beauty。 When you were gone； when the meteor had fallen over the horizon；
everything went black。 Nothing had changed； but my eyes were blinded by the light。 I couldn't see the
stars anymore。 And there was no more reason for anything。〃
I wanted to believe him。 But this was my life without him that he was describing； not the other way
around。
〃Your eyes will adjust；〃 I mumbled。
〃That's just the problem—they can't。〃
〃What about your distractions？〃
He laughed without a trace of humor。 〃Just part of the lie； love。 There was no distraction from the… the
agony。 My heart hasn't beat in almost niy years； but this was different。 It was like my heart was
gone—like I was hollow。 Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you。〃
〃That's funny；〃 I muttered。
He arched one perfect eyebrow。 〃Funny？ 〃
〃I meant strange—I thought it was just me。 Lots of pieces of me went missing； too。 I haven't been able to
really breathe in so long。〃 I filled my lungs； luxuriating in the sensation。 〃And my heart。 That was definitely
lost。〃
He closed his eyes and laid his ear over my heart again。 I let my cheek press against his hair； felt the
texture of it on my skin； smelled the delicious scent of him。
〃Tracking wasn't a distraction then？〃 I asked； curious； and also needing to distract myself。 I was very
much in danger of hoping。 I wouldn't be able to stop myself for long。 My heart throbbed； singing in my
chest。
〃No。〃 He sighed。 〃That was never a distraction。 It was an obligation。〃
〃What does that mean？〃
〃It means that； even though I never expected any danger from Victoria； I wasn't going to let her get away
with… Well； like I said； I was horrible at it。 I traced her as far as Texas； but then I followed a false lead
down to Brazil—and really she came here。〃 He groaned。 〃I wasn't even on the right continent！ And all the
while； worse than my worst fears—〃
〃You were hunting Victoria？〃 I halfshrieked as soon as I could find my voice； shooting through two
octaves。
Charlie's distant snores stuttered； and then picked up a regular rhythm again。
〃Not well；〃 Edward answered； studying my outraged expression with a confused look。 〃But I'll do better
this time。 She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer。〃
〃That is… out of the question；〃 I managed to choke out。 Insanity。 Even if he had Emmett or Jasper help
him。 Even if he had Emmett and Jasper help。 It was worse than my other imaginings： Jacob Black
standing across a small space from Victoria's vicious and feline figure。 I couldn't bear to picture Edward
there； even though he was so much more durable than my halfhuman best friend。
〃It's too late for her。 I might have let the other time slide； but not now； not after—〃
I interrupted him again； trying to sound calm。 〃Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave？〃 I
asked； fighting the words as I said them； nor letting them plant themselves in my heart。 〃That isn't exactly
patible with an extended tracking expedition； is it？〃
He frowned。 A